Christmas!

Christmas!


It's over now. I can sleep. *sleep*

Sigh

Scared to sleep... How pathetic is that?

I have to be up early tomorrow, I think, so I can head over to see my Tink. So... I should sleep, but I'm scared to. I'm not tired. Well, I am, but I'm scared to sleep because every time I start to drift off, I feel myself slip into a scary dream...

Sigh...

,,,

Feeling generally really unsettled, dysphoric, and on the verge of being triggered (but not quite triggered?) and generally panicked and anxiety-ridden, though I have no clue why it's so bad. Haven't heard from Jen for most of the day - I worry sometimes.
Shaking, feel sick, generally feeling shitty...
Dan & Emma came over today, they just left... Wish I could be me. I want to be me... I need to. I need to get out of here. Help? Please? Anybody? Get me out of here. Even if it's just so I can be myself... I don't care how hard money is, I don't care if I don't eat, I don't care if I can't have any pets. I just... need to be out of here. I can't do this. Sigh...
Worried about Jen, though I know it's silly and she's probably asleep or left her phone somewhere, and that's all it is... Probably. I've sent her a few messages and don't want to phone her and it's approaching midnight and if she is asleep, I don't want to disturb her...

I hate my body, so so much. I feel... trapped. It's getting worse, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's getting harder and harder. Today, during one of mum's crazy moments (which have been pretty bad today) she grabbed my hand/wrist, stared at my hand for a minute and started to cry. I asked her why, and she said I would never have children, and she wants grandkids.... That's been preying on my mind lately though, I don't know if she knows it or not... Not that I want kids, but Jen's invested in the idea. I'm worried that because my dysphoria is so bad it's going to push me into this so fast I won't have children... Ever. That's a tough choice, but if I put off my transition and then subsequently kill myself, that won't solve any problems either. Sperm freezing costs about £3000/yr and then the IVF costs roughtly £75,000. That's not an option. Adoption has never really appealed - If I am to have kids, I want my own children, not somebody elses. I know any child of mine would be smart, beautiful, kind... I know it's early days, but I have to think about these things now because it won't be possible a few years down the line. I need a break. I need not to think. I need not to... live. I just want an escape, I just want to not have GID, PTSD, DID or any of my other mental ailments for just one day. Just a day, but that's not going to happen. I want a job, I want to be financially stable, I want my own home... None of this is going to happen... well it might. I can hope. Things look hopeless...

Why me? Why should I have to deal with all of this? Why not just one or the problems? Or half? A handful maybe? Why do I have to be the mentally unstable transgendered child abuse victim with people living in my head, a very mentally ill mother, a family where I am not respected and am emotionally abused every day, no qualifications because of my depression and self harm and DID... I mean, y'know. If I were just transgendered with my current situation of no job and no money, but still had a loving adoring girlfriend, that's great. I'd happily welcome that situation, but not everything else... Life has just been one great big load of shit to me. 'cept Jennie. She's made it easier, made it worth living through...


Just... Blah. I'll shut up now, nobody wants to hear me whine...
I wonder how many people actually read my blog? Miste does, I think. I think Chelskii does... That's about all... hmm... Wonder who else? Paranoid...



Shh.

Harder and harder.

It really is getting harder and harder to life at home, day by day. More and more puts me on edge, I actually can't stand my mother's company... Or my dad's for that matter. I never could, but... I just need to get out of here.
"You're coming to Merry Hill with me tomorrow during the day." ... Fine. But as long as I still have time to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to ask them what I can do in my position. I can't stay at home - it's driving me to insanity. It's driving me back to unhelpful thoughts, dangerous thoughts. I don't feel welcome, respected or loved. I don't feel I belong here, and I'm treated like shit. Constantly.
I know in my heart of hearts (Elundari?) I'm loved by my family, even if they have a weird way of showing it...
Somebody, get me out of here. Somebody, help, before I actually go round the bend and hurt myself...

On the plus side, I received two letters + a package today. Handwritten letter from Miste, which was short and uneventful, but still nice to get :), and the other was from Kylie, which was lovely to get. She also sent me two stuffed toys; a kangeroo and koala holding boomerangs. They're so cuddly! But not quite as cuddly as Chesh, which Jen made. Kitty loves them though. Will be posting it out tomorrow with the eBay stuff...

You know, my dysphoria isn't taken seriously by just about anyone. Nobody really understands just how much it gets to me. It's so bad today ... It really is.

Mum calls. -_-'


FML

dfugiwepkr;lmasdgf

It feels like my head is full of shouting voices. The only problem is, it's not my DID, it's not my alters and doesn't feel anything similar. Now the weird thing is that it's not actual voices I don't think? It's just the feeling of there being loud voices. It's almost painful, it's giving me a headache and I can't make out what they're saying. I can't focus, I can't think. It's like every time I have a thought it bounces around in my head and it gets argued with itself. I keep picking out vague angry bits, but it's more of a feeling than actual voices? I want it to stop, this used to happen when I was little, maybe once every few years, only now I know it's happened at least 3 times in the last year. Should probably talk to my therapist about it, but I never felt it was important. I have googled and come across not much. I keep trying to do deep breathing to clear my mind, tried to meditate but I can't think.
Tried listening to music but it's not helping much. The more I try to focus on things, the louder it gets.

Maybe i'm stressed, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm overtired, but this has been coming on all day. I got up at 8 to take the kids to school, and it was coming on then, but I went back to bed until 12 because I was up until 4.30 because I felt Tink's pain in her upper back. It sucks having a link, and being able to transfer energy. This feeling was penetrating into my sleep, into my dreams and the background thoughts and feeling was still there...

Sigh. It'll go away soon, I'll be fine. Just really don't like it when this happens. Wish I knew what it was.
And yes, I am absolutely sane... apart from the obvious stuff, of course.

Computers

I hate computers. I'm good at them, they're useful, don't get me wrong. I do occasionally enjoy the creativity but I do NOT want to do it for a living. It's good, in moderation. I can't do it every day. It's soul-destroying, but well paid...

However, I'm looking into going down the physics/mathematics route and stuff, so I'm looking into teaching myself maths again... I've forgotten how to do damn near everything. I am so out of practice it's unreal, so I've been on the GCSE bitesize website to get my mind back up to GCSE level and then I can move ahead to things like A level, and I'd like to learn calculus at some point too, which would be cool...
I like maths. It's fun, it's interesting, and I like how it makes me think. I like physics, it's mostly just interesting. Chemistry is a bit... meh. Not so interested. Biology kind of bores me... But it's all useful.

I turn 18 on thursday. Did you forget? Send me a birthday text on thursday! I'm having a mad hatter's tea party on saturday with Jen, her mum, my brother n sister. Possibly dan and emma too, but yeah...


Did I post about that? I forgot. On saturday me and Jen were invited out for a drink with Dan (uncle) and Emma. They found out about my transition through my nan and mostly through figuring it out for themselves, so yeah... we talk. They're 100% supportive, they realise it's my choice and I've figured out the risks. They said if there's any way they can help, then just ask. They were generally wonderful about it. Huge weight off my shoulders...


Gotta bounce. Laters.x

Sleep...

I should sleep. I can't keep doing these late nights and early mornings... But I'm scared of nightmares. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared of what tomorrow might bring. I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want to face Mum tomorrow. I don't want to face everything tomorrow. Nothing particularly bad tomorrow, I just don't want to do it. I don't even get to go see Jen tomorrow - it's a big day for her mum so it would be easier if I go up thursday morning. Sigh. Hate the travel. Hate being without Jen. Don't want to face tomorrow alone. Teacher training for the kids tomorrow though so I'm undoubtedly looking after them all day. I might do what my Mum does. "I'm feeling a little tired, so fuck it. I can't be bothered. I'm not doing anything and I'm going back to bed." Yeah that wouldn't work, that would get me a clip round the ear. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who wakes up in a panic or wakes up crying. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who got no sleep (though hers is usually her own fault). Doesn't matter if I feel ill. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who's depressed and on the verge of tears all day. No. It's only her that matters. Selfish cow.

It's the anniversary of Dean passing away on the 4th. Sad times. My birthday on the 8th though. I'm actually dreading my birthday. I don't know how to act when people are being nice and paying attention to me. It's my 18th though so I'm expected to do something... I'm going to see the new puss in boots movie with Jen though! Yay! Maybe we'll be able to be... together. For once. She's usually in pain or doesn't want to because she's stressed and her libido is generally through the floor. It sucks, but I deal with it. Maybe on my birthday though... Not that it matters, right? It would be nice though. Not going to bring it up with her though - No point making her feel guilty.

Anyway. Generally struggling right now. I'll deal. It's what I do, right?

I should really sleep and stop putting it off.
Goodnight all... I really hope not many people read this blog. It makes me feel so exposed.
x

That woman is infuriating...

Mum was meant to go get her results from the doctors today. She didn't. She rebooked and said to me "I'm too busy to go! I have so much to do!" then fucked off to bed. Thanks for the consideration, I was hoping she could go and I could get this weight off my mind. I hoped she would go, be given the all clear and I'd be happy and fine and not worry about it. No such luck.

Sometimes I just want to slap her.

Low

Having a low patch at the moment. I guess there's just alot going on and it's getting to me. I'm also caught in a catch 22.
  I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but this is my blog, it's not my fault if other people read it. Mum's had a cancer scare. She's had a pain in her chest for a while now and it's not going away. She's lost weight and is showing signs of lung cancer. She went to the doctors and they had her nearly instantly scanned for all sorts. What she didn't tell me was that she was meant to go for a biospy yesterday but didn't tell anyone because she wasn't planning on going in the first place. I'm worried about her. Her cough is getting worse, and she's got to get her results on tuesday. I'm making her go even though she doesn't want to.

Sigh. I'm so tired; I haven't been sleeping well. Keep waking up, and having trouble getting to sleep and all of that. Talked with Jennie about my transition and stuff, and I'm still sorta upset over it, had a lot to think about. I really don't want to go to my psych appointment tomorrow. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to deal with it. Can't I just deal with my own problems?
The fact that I'm feeling that is probably not a very good sign for my mental health or stability. Oh well...

It's really getting to me, that Jen's always in pain. Always hurting somewhere. It's hard to see her suffer all the time. I know she tends to shut up about it and not talk about it too much, but I know when she's hurting and it's nearly constant. She has Fibromyalgia and it's hard on me. I know it's a living hell for her, so I shut up about how much it affects me. I do everything I can for her but it's just not enough; it doesn't do anything. It never makes it easier. We often share pain too, so I know when she's hurting and feel it in an echo of myself too. I can usually take people's pain away, but I can't touch the fibro pain. If someone was hurting before I'd just try and take their pain and that was that. My little sister's a healer too unfortunately, i've seen her try and take Jen's pain. It doesn't work!
Nina (Jen's mum) also has fibro but a lot worse than Jen. She has arthiritus pretty much everywhere you can think of, and is depressed and always in more pain. It wears me down, seeing everybody around me suffering. My mum's not in a stable place anyway lately, so she's got her crazy bipolar mental shit going on, and Jen's struggling at times too with things and Nina's ... always suicidal.
I think I have to put off the anti-androgens too. I have to pause my transition. I don't have to, nobody's making me but in order to deal with everything else in my life, I need to. Things are moving so fast, I'm scared.
I'd like to just... fix everyone. Everything is so much right now. I can't support everyone. I can't see everybody around me hurting in every way and be absolutely fucking useless to do anything about it.
  I want to get out of this house. Desperately. When I go up to see Jen on thursday I'll have her help me with my CV and teach me to jobhunt and we'll go to the CAB and everything. I need to do something with my life.... It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else is going on.
Oh and lets factor in my own mental health here for a second. Let's just say PTSD is a bitch.
I have everybody on at me all the time do something productive, get yourself a job, learn something. It's so hard. I can't find the motivation. I'm so scared to do anything different, I'm scared it might be too much. I even stopped writing. I gave up. It was too much....

I'm such a fucking failure.


So where does that leave us? Struggling, tired, headachey and flashbacky. Can't say a word though, keep my mouth shut because I can only just deal with it as it is, and if anyone worries about me I'll feel worse for making them worry about me on top of their own problems. And I'll have to talk about it and think about it all... So if I keep my mouth shut I can just about cope, right?

Well that's the idea anyway...


Thinking of hunting down Kylie's address so I can send her a letter; I miss her and she's never online. It's a shame really. Maybe good old fashioned snail mail will get the job done. We'll see.

Laters taters.x

Better.

Feeling better, I think. Mum's being her usual awkard self, and I think I have a temperature - I don't feel very well.
Generally feeling a little blah. Sigh. Oh well...


...

Feeling a little better.

Feeling a little better. I'm not crying anymore, and I forced myself to get up and doing things. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's not really working... Struggling today, I really am. I just... yeah. Not doing brilliantly.

Fake smile, you're such a good friend, you're always there when I need you. No point making everybody else feel shit too, right? If I just smile and get on with it, then everybody can get on with their lifes, and not have to worry about mine. Making people worry and stress about me just makes me feel worse... I'll just smile and help everybody else in hopes it will shut my own brain up for a second or two.

Things are... fuzzy inside. I can't focus as easily on some alters. I don't know why; it's worrying. It feels almost like they're intergrating but I don't think they are. It's almost like they're doing the opposite of appearing... =\ sigh.
I need a job. I need money. Without money I can't do anything.

And where the hell are my tweezers?!
 ¬.¬

Rough night

Had a seriously rough night last night. Well, today marks 21/11 number four. Last night I was struggling with the whole anniversary thing and stuff and I was rambling all depressed-like and Jennie said she can't cope with me anymore and we need to have a chat sometime about it. And that she loves me no matter what, and all that. Sounds scary and ominous and I ended up crying myself to sleep, and had a really disturbed night. Dreamt of back at crestwood, and dreamt Jennie decided she wanted somebody else and went off with them. Either way, I slept really badly last night. I don't feel I'm allowed to talk to Jennie about my problems anymore if she's struggling. I want to be there for her but she won't talk to me about things; she says I have too much on my plate. If I can deal with Miste, Chelsey n leila all at the same time, I can deal with her stuff. I want to help. I want to be there for her. Was she talking about leaving me?
  I feel so useless. I'm only up and online now because Jen asked if I could be online in the morning, so here I am. I don't want to get out of bed today.
I love her. I hope everything works out okay. It's a rough day for her Mum today too (two year anniversary of her partner passing away) and she's living there at the minute so I'm expecting her not to be talking much.

And I don't know where my phone is. Jennie's still not online. I'm worried about her though, she said she was nearing her limit and she was really struggling. What if she's done something stupid? I mean I mentioned not wanting to live anymore, but that's because it's easier to see the reasons not to live than to see the reasons to live. But I'm getting better, I am. The thoughts cross my mind but I don't think I'll act on them. That's an improvement. Life is worth living. Things are made easier by Jennie. She makes me smile, makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something. She treats me with respect and consideration, she makes me feel. Beyond that I'm not even sure what I'm hanging on to. I need to get out of this house any way possible; I'm planning on moving in with Jen sometime when she has her own place, and then my transition will be able to start (because I really can't do it living here)...

Things are getting harder living here, by the day. Mum is generally a ball of hysteria and mania. Dad is generally useless and doesn't do the whole compassion thing; he just leaves people to it.

I miss Jen. She's coming back on Wednesday for my mums birthday - she promised Mum a cooked meal because mum never cooks. Ever. She'll order takeaway or put a ready meal in the oven for 40 minutes.

Is it wednesday yet?

Oh and I'm crying again. Sigh. I need to pull myself together and get out of bed, but I'm scared. I don't want to get up and face the world today. I just want to... skip to tomorrow and feel better. Or better yet, wednesday.


I'll shut up...

Feeling down, y'know?

Feel pretty shitty. But I need this time. I've been feeling fairly shitty the last few days, feel I have to cover it up though. Nobody cares about how crappy I feel, and even if I say so, what can they do? Sigh.

I'm alone, at Jen's mums house. Jen's out doing a Murder Mystery, and her mum's gone out with her "not boyfriend" for a drink. It's okay, I gave her mum leave to do so. I'm quite liking having this space to myself, I've not had much time to me. Unfortunately now that I'm alone, I'm letting myself feel. I'm sat here listening to depressing songs and on the verge of crying. They'll be back soon though...



I really want to cut...

Relief exists, I find it when I am cut...



I have to resist. Jennie will make my life hell if I do...

Sigh.


x

What social life?

Yeah, see the thing is, it's kinda disappeared.
I used to go up to Birmingham about once a week to chat to various people, only I want to avoid most of them. There are say... one or two people who I regret losing contact with, but the rest can go fuck themselves. The majority of the people I know I wouldn't trust as far as I can throw...

I regret losing contact with Bandi/Vicky, but then we always lose touch and get chat again then lose touch and chat again, been like that for years but she's an amazing friend. One of the truly nice people I know.
I vaguely miss losing touch with Ruth too..
I miss Wolfie/Amy. Alice does too apparently. They chatted some earlier. Wolfie's also always been kind and supportive and understanding of me, also one of the really nice people. We've been through some together...
I miss chatting to Chris, I've known him for going on 8 years now. Hell, he was my friend through the abuse. I never told him, I was too scared, but he was always pretty cool, though was, and still is immature and annoying as hell, but we had fun together.

Yup. That's about it. I'm just so scared of... well. People. But more than that, I don't even know how I'd get back in touch with anyone. I do, but i'm scared. What do I say? Sorry I've been blanking you for the past year, lets go have a coffee or something? ... Yeah something along those lines I think actually. I think I'll talk to Amy first, she's the easier to talk to. I'm so scared though... but it's something I have to do, and something I'm determined to do alone. No alters, no Jen. I have to face this or I'll end up hermit... with Jen. If I could just... make myself do it... I will though, when I have time.

I'd like to see Miste again sometime too, I feel so wretched for barely talking to her for months. We were ever so close, and now... meh. She's never hurt me, never done or said a bad thing against me, she's always been good to me and I've just... not spoken to her for ages...

Anyway! Apparently I have to go talk to Amy now. Scared. I'm sure it'll be fine... bleh.

...

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of life, of eveyrthing, as i said before...

More than that, I'm scared I won't get better. *sighs* what am I going to do?
I've been depresed and suffering for years now, they keep saying it gets better with time. That therapy will make things better... my situation is improving. My life is getting better. It's all good. I should be fine. I should be. Why aren't I? I don't really feel much better than I did before, I just deal better. I have more supports, better coping mechanisms, but why should I need to? Why can't I just be fine? I'm so pathetic. The urge to hurt myself is still there, every day, multiple times a day. The suicidal thoughts are still there, kept in check. I'm fighting with my ED, it's not getting any easier in the slightest. Any of it. Why can't they be gone? These thoughts and feelings? Why can't I be happy? I feel a little happier when i'm with Tink. I find it hard to be genuinely enthusiastic about anything. i'm struggling so much at the moment.
I feel numb, dead. Pointless. I don't know what to do with myself.
London tomorrow. So scared.
To the point where the thought of injuring myself so bad I don't have to go just crossed my mind. I won't, I know I won't. This appointment is far far too important for me to do that. But maybe if I did, people would take me seriously and see just how bad I feel...
Not that I will. I don't want the attention, i already have it which I don't want. I don't want all these officials thinking i'm perfectly fine and though i say how bad i am, i'm just getting by. It's why they won't do well... anything with me. I want to hurt myself and just be left alone. I want to do it where nobody will see it so I don't have to face the wrath of everybody who'd find out. I want to. It makes me feel better...


No, I'm being stupid. I'm fine, remember? I'm meant to be okay. I can only really admit to Tink that i'm not okay, but even then I struggle saying just how not okay I am. She's all I have right now, and I love her dearly. I can't hurt myself because it would hurt her. I know she's here for me, but I still feel awful and there's nothing anyone can do...
I feel I'm being selfish feeling like this, there are people who have it worse than me, who feel worse than me.


i'm probably just tired or something, I would say I'l feel better in the morning but i'm up at 6.10 to go to London. Joy. I'll feel better... sometime. Probably when I'm with Tink tomorrow. She shuts my head up. Not my alters, but the bad thoughts. Even if I feel bad, it's all clear and easier to manage when I'm around her.
Speaking of alters... I reckon Alice has the opposite of depression. You know depressed people don't produce enough seratonin in their brain so they're depressed? I reckon she produces too much and is always happy... Lucky. Oh, and Angel has been struggling lately with flashbacks, which is in turn affecting me. I don't know what to do about it... endure I suppose.
I'll shut up, I'm being pathetic.


 

London & Life

I'm going back to the gender clinic on tuesday, in london. The fisrt time, dad came with me. Second time, jen came with me. This time, I want Tink with me in the actual appointment, but she can't afford to catch the train from here... because she has her important doctors appointment afterwards. I feel guilty for dragging her with me, I should just say don't come with me, i'll be fine. it'll save money and trouble and everything. But i'm scared. Terrified of going completely alone. London scared me when I was with her, but alone?


I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station  to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.

I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.



What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.

And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...


I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.

Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?

Big update

Quite alot has happened since my last post. I haven't posted in a while so ho hum! where to start?

Things are going well with Tink, but it's getting harder with the distance. On the ... technically positive side, she has a job. Yes money, yes good, yes a step in the right direction, but that means I see her less and I'm stuck at home more. I feel scared to go out because I mean, apart from anything, Tink gets real jealous over me talking to pretty much anyone, which makes me feel guilty which makes it hard for me to talk to anyone. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but hey. I know it's her way of showing she cares and she knows I'd never go off with anyone else, and I shouldn't let her come between me and people I've known for ages but oh well... I do love her more and more every day and I can't see any reason we'd break up, not that I ever want to. I'll shut up with my sappiness!

Went to the gender clinic in london. It was a mission and a half to get there, and ended up late. 14 hour round trip. Not entirely sure whta to say, other than it's lovely to have someone take me seriously and I'm finally getting somewhere.

I also realised I have 11 followers on this blog, a bit of a shock actually. I'll shut up because I'm feeling vulnerable today and this isn't helping...

Sappy post

You ask why I always listen to this song. You ask why it's looped. You ask why I smile when I listen to it.
You think i'm obsessed with it, you can't understand why...

Because whenever I listen to it, I think of Tink. I get a memory in my head, so clear, so perfect.
After I first went over to her mum's house, after we spent the day together, a day so perfect...
She drove me home. She put on Tori Amos - Lovesong. And she asked me to listen to the lyrics.

She placed a hand on my leg, and smiled at me. She drive down the motorway, holding my hand with her free hand, singing her heart out for me. The line "you make me feel like I am young again", and I remember the smile she gave me, love and humour in her eyes.
The long "I will always love you", I remember her voice, so full of love, so full of pain. Her singing over the music.

The song fits so perfectly for how I feel. We have so many little injokes now. We're getting used to our relationship, we're working our way through any troubles that we face. But if I'm suicidal, if I'm hurting, I can put on this song and let me forget my troubles for 3 and a half minutes. I can remember a time when I felt true, perfect, complete happiness and contentness. I'm honestly in love with her, and I can't imagine life without her by my side. I know that how much I'm struggling is hurting her and worrying her, but I know I'll pull through because I have something to fight for, and she is so worth it.
When I'm with her, the depression is kind of pushed back until she's gone, it's automatic, so the bad thoughts at mostly at bay. When I'm away from her, I have some true alone alone time to work through my thoughts... The more I think, and the more time I spend with Tink, the more I can see the future. I can plan. The self destructive thoughts are still there but they're not so clear, I'm starting to think past them now. I don't think I'm a threat to myself anymore.
I have so much to live for, so much to love for.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JIEY34hv8

Hey, yes…
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel a-like I’m home again, oh, yes
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make, you make me feel like I’m whole again, oh, yes
Hey…

Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-huh-es
You make me feel like I’m young again, hey ya-yes
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-hum
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
Oh, I will always love you

Ah, whenever I'm alone with you, hey
I feel like I’m a-a-a-I’m free again, hey
Whenever I'm alone with you, um
Feel like I’m a-aclean again, oh

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, oh, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
I will always, always love you, yes
Always…

Hopeless

Everything feels so hopeless, I'm desperately trying to fight the ever-increasing need to hurt myself... I don't think I can win this time. Sorry if I do slip up. Don't hate me

Sigh

Finding it harder every day. I keep visualising cutting again. Holding the blade... making the cut. Watching the blood. Planning where. I wish it would all stop.

I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.

Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.

I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.

Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.

I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.

Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.



Might update some other time.

...

I'm posting from college today, I'm stressed and hurt.



Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.

It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.

I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.

Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...

I'm being bugged to work.




Might update later... probably not though.

An update of sorts

Well... Quite a bit has happened since my last update, I guess. Tink is mostly on my mind but I'll get to her once I get everything else out the way...
I'm in danger of failing college, quite literally and seriously. Back in January I failed my Digital Graphics unit, because despite following my feedback as well as I possibly good, it's still not good enough. I'll have two weeks at the end of the year to fix it.
Now onto the serious things. I've pretty much withdrawn from everyone lately, fake smiles all around and avoiding contat where possible. Mostly Tink is keeping me alive. I do believe I love her, she's so perfect for me. It's a good thing she's so support of me feeling depressed at the moment because Miste isn't really up to it and I rarely speak to litlun and if she is around, she's never okay to do it, and laney I don't trust... Tink makes me smile, genuine smile. The first time i've genuine-smiled since around November.
Mother likes her, my little sister adores her, she's 26 but it doesn't bother me. I've found a happiness for the first time in a long time...
I've been struggling with alot of suicidal thoughts lately, I keep thinking of plans whenever my mind wanders, wondering how to do it, what I'd write on my notes... When would be convenient. It's really not smart. I also have 5 new surgical blades. Joy. I've been kinda eating better and I feel so repulsively fat. I'm really unsafe from myself right now...
Earlier, tink found a little red metal rose. She said it was little and pretty. I agreed. *SI trigger* However in my head I was thinking that the first drops of blood from a fresh cut done with a sharp tool, is also beautiful *end trigger*
I'm scared of myself, but for the first time in a long time I've found a source of happiness and trust. And for once, I'm physically trusting too... And so it reminds me of all badness but I'm glad, I want to get past and be happy.
I'm not going to lie. I'm missing Miste... we're barely talking which is worrying... I'm also scared of Tink replacing her in my life as my best friend and source of safety. Tink is rapidly becoming my best friend and I love her, but Miste is also so important to me too, and we've grown distant lately... I'm wondering what's happening. I feel guilty for it... but it's my own fault. Things haven't been right between us since we broke up and that's my fault. I'm sad our friendship has taken such a huge blow...
On topic. Tink. It's so weird. I can honestly see myself with her for... well forever. It hurts when she's not here. I want to go run away and marry her and go off and such... but I wish it worked that way. Alas, no.

I'm getting paranoid again posting here. I need to update my other blog but I'm finding it hard to get anything out in words, for once. I can easily write a story if I wanted to, but I can't put down how I'm feeling...

I'm all normal-dissociated so everything is really weird. I'm also incredibly tired so...


Goodnight x

Thursday

Last night I suffered nightmares again and woke up smelling Him in the room, so I just ended up sleeping on the floor.
Today, I went out with some friends, hung around and chilled out in the sun. My friend fell asleep on me and I felt really safe and comfy. It was all going well until some guy I've only met twice found it hilarious to pin me to the ground by my wrists and straddle me. Long story short, I pushed him off me, Laura swore at him as I stopped her hitting him, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down.

I'm starting to think we need to intergrate somebody, but every time we do more and more come along and intergrating an alter is a huge drain on me, it's emotionally hard. With luck though, we'll figure something out.

That's about it for today.

SI: No, but struggled with thoughts
Eaten: Yes, half a baguette and a bowl of pasta
Purged: No, but struggled with thoughts

I'll start posting up this as a recovery thing, because I know alot of you who read my blog are worried about my eating habits... or lack of.


Kait.

Enough

I've decided to stop posting random thoughts and feelings at this blog, it makes me feel very vulnerable and unsafe. None of us are particularly happy about anybody being able to read this and learn anything they want from my life.
With more and more people being linked to my blog, I think it's time for a fresh start on here. Understand that I'm not linking people to my posts, just the DID pages. More and more people are finding out about us, so we've deleted a handful of recent posts and will now be posting in a more orderly manner! There will be nearly no ranting here, so I think that would help.
Last night I mentioned to Miste about how I feel so unsafe posting on my blog, and she provided a solution. There is another blog but obviously I won't be linking it to nearly anyone, and definately not here.
So quick overview of things going on with me:
17 years old.
Best friend in the whole world is Miste, who is also recently my ex. 
I'm in college, studying IT (Game and software development)
I'm a recover(ed/ing) self harmer, though I still struggle with urges.
I'm a victim of rape and sexual abuse on numerous occasions.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder
I'm transexual, which means I feel like a girl in a guys body.
I have borderline anorexia and recover(ed/ing) bulimia.

So there you are, that's to all new people who might read my blog. There's the pages at the top explaining DID to people and my alters. I plan to add things in to explain the rest of the things wrong with me too.
With luck, we'll post daily, though I doubt that'll happen...

Fresh start, enjoy!
Kaitlyn (Kyle/Kitsu/Batman/Batgirl, to all you people who don't know my preferred name!)