,,,

Feeling generally really unsettled, dysphoric, and on the verge of being triggered (but not quite triggered?) and generally panicked and anxiety-ridden, though I have no clue why it's so bad. Haven't heard from Jen for most of the day - I worry sometimes.
Shaking, feel sick, generally feeling shitty...
Dan & Emma came over today, they just left... Wish I could be me. I want to be me... I need to. I need to get out of here. Help? Please? Anybody? Get me out of here. Even if it's just so I can be myself... I don't care how hard money is, I don't care if I don't eat, I don't care if I can't have any pets. I just... need to be out of here. I can't do this. Sigh...
Worried about Jen, though I know it's silly and she's probably asleep or left her phone somewhere, and that's all it is... Probably. I've sent her a few messages and don't want to phone her and it's approaching midnight and if she is asleep, I don't want to disturb her...

I hate my body, so so much. I feel... trapped. It's getting worse, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's getting harder and harder. Today, during one of mum's crazy moments (which have been pretty bad today) she grabbed my hand/wrist, stared at my hand for a minute and started to cry. I asked her why, and she said I would never have children, and she wants grandkids.... That's been preying on my mind lately though, I don't know if she knows it or not... Not that I want kids, but Jen's invested in the idea. I'm worried that because my dysphoria is so bad it's going to push me into this so fast I won't have children... Ever. That's a tough choice, but if I put off my transition and then subsequently kill myself, that won't solve any problems either. Sperm freezing costs about £3000/yr and then the IVF costs roughtly £75,000. That's not an option. Adoption has never really appealed - If I am to have kids, I want my own children, not somebody elses. I know any child of mine would be smart, beautiful, kind... I know it's early days, but I have to think about these things now because it won't be possible a few years down the line. I need a break. I need not to think. I need not to... live. I just want an escape, I just want to not have GID, PTSD, DID or any of my other mental ailments for just one day. Just a day, but that's not going to happen. I want a job, I want to be financially stable, I want my own home... None of this is going to happen... well it might. I can hope. Things look hopeless...

Why me? Why should I have to deal with all of this? Why not just one or the problems? Or half? A handful maybe? Why do I have to be the mentally unstable transgendered child abuse victim with people living in my head, a very mentally ill mother, a family where I am not respected and am emotionally abused every day, no qualifications because of my depression and self harm and DID... I mean, y'know. If I were just transgendered with my current situation of no job and no money, but still had a loving adoring girlfriend, that's great. I'd happily welcome that situation, but not everything else... Life has just been one great big load of shit to me. 'cept Jennie. She's made it easier, made it worth living through...


Just... Blah. I'll shut up now, nobody wants to hear me whine...
I wonder how many people actually read my blog? Miste does, I think. I think Chelskii does... That's about all... hmm... Wonder who else? Paranoid...



Shh.