Sleep...

I should sleep. I can't keep doing these late nights and early mornings... But I'm scared of nightmares. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared of what tomorrow might bring. I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want to face Mum tomorrow. I don't want to face everything tomorrow. Nothing particularly bad tomorrow, I just don't want to do it. I don't even get to go see Jen tomorrow - it's a big day for her mum so it would be easier if I go up thursday morning. Sigh. Hate the travel. Hate being without Jen. Don't want to face tomorrow alone. Teacher training for the kids tomorrow though so I'm undoubtedly looking after them all day. I might do what my Mum does. "I'm feeling a little tired, so fuck it. I can't be bothered. I'm not doing anything and I'm going back to bed." Yeah that wouldn't work, that would get me a clip round the ear. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who wakes up in a panic or wakes up crying. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who got no sleep (though hers is usually her own fault). Doesn't matter if I feel ill. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who's depressed and on the verge of tears all day. No. It's only her that matters. Selfish cow.

It's the anniversary of Dean passing away on the 4th. Sad times. My birthday on the 8th though. I'm actually dreading my birthday. I don't know how to act when people are being nice and paying attention to me. It's my 18th though so I'm expected to do something... I'm going to see the new puss in boots movie with Jen though! Yay! Maybe we'll be able to be... together. For once. She's usually in pain or doesn't want to because she's stressed and her libido is generally through the floor. It sucks, but I deal with it. Maybe on my birthday though... Not that it matters, right? It would be nice though. Not going to bring it up with her though - No point making her feel guilty.

Anyway. Generally struggling right now. I'll deal. It's what I do, right?

I should really sleep and stop putting it off.
Goodnight all... I really hope not many people read this blog. It makes me feel so exposed.
x