Finding it harder every day. I keep visualising cutting again. Holding the blade... making the cut. Watching the blood. Planning where. I wish it would all stop.
I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.
Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.
I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.
Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.
I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.
Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.
Might update some other time.
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