You ask why I always listen to this song. You ask why it's looped. You ask why I smile when I listen to it.
You think i'm obsessed with it, you can't understand why...
Because whenever I listen to it, I think of Tink. I get a memory in my head, so clear, so perfect.
After I first went over to her mum's house, after we spent the day together, a day so perfect...
She drove me home. She put on Tori Amos - Lovesong. And she asked me to listen to the lyrics.
She placed a hand on my leg, and smiled at me. She drive down the motorway, holding my hand with her free hand, singing her heart out for me. The line "you make me feel like I am young again", and I remember the smile she gave me, love and humour in her eyes.
The long "I will always love you", I remember her voice, so full of love, so full of pain. Her singing over the music.
The song fits so perfectly for how I feel. We have so many little injokes now. We're getting used to our relationship, we're working our way through any troubles that we face. But if I'm suicidal, if I'm hurting, I can put on this song and let me forget my troubles for 3 and a half minutes. I can remember a time when I felt true, perfect, complete happiness and contentness. I'm honestly in love with her, and I can't imagine life without her by my side. I know that how much I'm struggling is hurting her and worrying her, but I know I'll pull through because I have something to fight for, and she is so worth it.
When I'm with her, the depression is kind of pushed back until she's gone, it's automatic, so the bad thoughts at mostly at bay. When I'm away from her, I have some true alone alone time to work through my thoughts... The more I think, and the more time I spend with Tink, the more I can see the future. I can plan. The self destructive thoughts are still there but they're not so clear, I'm starting to think past them now. I don't think I'm a threat to myself anymore.
I have so much to live for, so much to love for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JIEY34hv8
Hey, yes…
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel a-like I’m home again, oh, yes
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make, you make me feel like I’m whole again, oh, yes
Hey…
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-huh-es
You make me feel like I’m young again, hey ya-yes
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-hum
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
Oh, I will always love you
Ah, whenever I'm alone with you, hey
I feel like I’m a-a-a-I’m free again, hey
Whenever I'm alone with you, um
Feel like I’m a-aclean again, oh
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, oh, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
I will always, always love you, yes
Always…
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Monday, 16 May 2011
Hopeless
Everything feels so hopeless, I'm desperately trying to fight the ever-increasing need to hurt myself... I don't think I can win this time. Sorry if I do slip up. Don't hate me
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Sigh
Finding it harder every day. I keep visualising cutting again. Holding the blade... making the cut. Watching the blood. Planning where. I wish it would all stop.
I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.
Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.
I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.
Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.
I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.
Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.
Might update some other time.
I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.
Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.
I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.
Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.
I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.
Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.
Might update some other time.
Friday, 6 May 2011
...
I'm posting from college today, I'm stressed and hurt.
Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.
It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.
I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.
Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...
I'm being bugged to work.
Might update later... probably not though.
Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.
It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.
I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.
Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...
I'm being bugged to work.
Might update later... probably not though.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
An update of sorts
Well... Quite a bit has happened since my last update, I guess. Tink is mostly on my mind but I'll get to her once I get everything else out the way...
I'm in danger of failing college, quite literally and seriously. Back in January I failed my Digital Graphics unit, because despite following my feedback as well as I possibly good, it's still not good enough. I'll have two weeks at the end of the year to fix it.
Now onto the serious things. I've pretty much withdrawn from everyone lately, fake smiles all around and avoiding contat where possible. Mostly Tink is keeping me alive. I do believe I love her, she's so perfect for me. It's a good thing she's so support of me feeling depressed at the moment because Miste isn't really up to it and I rarely speak to litlun and if she is around, she's never okay to do it, and laney I don't trust... Tink makes me smile, genuine smile. The first time i've genuine-smiled since around November.
Mother likes her, my little sister adores her, she's 26 but it doesn't bother me. I've found a happiness for the first time in a long time...
I've been struggling with alot of suicidal thoughts lately, I keep thinking of plans whenever my mind wanders, wondering how to do it, what I'd write on my notes... When would be convenient. It's really not smart. I also have 5 new surgical blades. Joy. I've been kinda eating better and I feel so repulsively fat. I'm really unsafe from myself right now...
Earlier, tink found a little red metal rose. She said it was little and pretty. I agreed. *SI trigger* However in my head I was thinking that the first drops of blood from a fresh cut done with a sharp tool, is also beautiful *end trigger*
I'm scared of myself, but for the first time in a long time I've found a source of happiness and trust. And for once, I'm physically trusting too... And so it reminds me of all badness but I'm glad, I want to get past and be happy.
I'm not going to lie. I'm missing Miste... we're barely talking which is worrying... I'm also scared of Tink replacing her in my life as my best friend and source of safety. Tink is rapidly becoming my best friend and I love her, but Miste is also so important to me too, and we've grown distant lately... I'm wondering what's happening. I feel guilty for it... but it's my own fault. Things haven't been right between us since we broke up and that's my fault. I'm sad our friendship has taken such a huge blow...
On topic. Tink. It's so weird. I can honestly see myself with her for... well forever. It hurts when she's not here. I want to go run away and marry her and go off and such... but I wish it worked that way. Alas, no.
I'm getting paranoid again posting here. I need to update my other blog but I'm finding it hard to get anything out in words, for once. I can easily write a story if I wanted to, but I can't put down how I'm feeling...
I'm all normal-dissociated so everything is really weird. I'm also incredibly tired so...
Goodnight x
I'm in danger of failing college, quite literally and seriously. Back in January I failed my Digital Graphics unit, because despite following my feedback as well as I possibly good, it's still not good enough. I'll have two weeks at the end of the year to fix it.
Now onto the serious things. I've pretty much withdrawn from everyone lately, fake smiles all around and avoiding contat where possible. Mostly Tink is keeping me alive. I do believe I love her, she's so perfect for me. It's a good thing she's so support of me feeling depressed at the moment because Miste isn't really up to it and I rarely speak to litlun and if she is around, she's never okay to do it, and laney I don't trust... Tink makes me smile, genuine smile. The first time i've genuine-smiled since around November.
Mother likes her, my little sister adores her, she's 26 but it doesn't bother me. I've found a happiness for the first time in a long time...
I've been struggling with alot of suicidal thoughts lately, I keep thinking of plans whenever my mind wanders, wondering how to do it, what I'd write on my notes... When would be convenient. It's really not smart. I also have 5 new surgical blades. Joy. I've been kinda eating better and I feel so repulsively fat. I'm really unsafe from myself right now...
Earlier, tink found a little red metal rose. She said it was little and pretty. I agreed. *SI trigger* However in my head I was thinking that the first drops of blood from a fresh cut done with a sharp tool, is also beautiful *end trigger*
I'm scared of myself, but for the first time in a long time I've found a source of happiness and trust. And for once, I'm physically trusting too... And so it reminds me of all badness but I'm glad, I want to get past and be happy.
I'm not going to lie. I'm missing Miste... we're barely talking which is worrying... I'm also scared of Tink replacing her in my life as my best friend and source of safety. Tink is rapidly becoming my best friend and I love her, but Miste is also so important to me too, and we've grown distant lately... I'm wondering what's happening. I feel guilty for it... but it's my own fault. Things haven't been right between us since we broke up and that's my fault. I'm sad our friendship has taken such a huge blow...
On topic. Tink. It's so weird. I can honestly see myself with her for... well forever. It hurts when she's not here. I want to go run away and marry her and go off and such... but I wish it worked that way. Alas, no.
I'm getting paranoid again posting here. I need to update my other blog but I'm finding it hard to get anything out in words, for once. I can easily write a story if I wanted to, but I can't put down how I'm feeling...
I'm all normal-dissociated so everything is really weird. I'm also incredibly tired so...
Goodnight x
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