Sorry

Messages to people who might read my blog
 1.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Roisin, Kitania. I didn't think you'd care. I thought you'd think it doesn't matter, I don't matter.
And then I remembered that of course you'll care. You always care.
Me and her are together now. You probably found out through facebook but I.. I couldn't tell you. What if you turned around and were like "Why are you telling me? I don't care." And then I'd feel awful for having bothered you.
As for me? If you care. I'm doing better these days. Actually functioning. It was a bit touch and go for a while there. Didn't kill myself in the end. Yay?
I still get jealous, lol.

2. Do you even check blogger anymore, Chelskii? We should chat more. Remember when I tried to dye my hair pink? Times were strange back then. I'd like to get back in touch with you but things are a little tough between us. We have a lot of history to put aside but I'm willing to try.

3. Thanks for the text about accepting who I am, Fish. I guess the name Batman does bother me. But it'll do, I guess. I miss you. I miss talking like we used to. Sorry we don't talk anymore.

4. Multipicity - Wow. It's been so long since we spoke. I wish you'd talk to me on facebook but I know you're not well. I talk to Michael though...

5. Andyy- So much has happened between us. We were fine for a while and then we weren't, and now there's actually no way of contacting you. I miss you. Are you even alive? Did you end up starving yourself to death? You deleted your blog. You either disabled your facebook account or blocked me... I don't have your number. I worry about you. I'd like to know if you're okay.


This will probably be my last post on here... I guess that's life. I mostly use tumblr these days.

I wonder if you still keep up with my blog?
I wonder if you'll read this.
I wonder if you still think of me.

Though in my heart of hearts, I know you well enough to know that you do (I hope, at least)
And I'm sorry I was awful.
And I'm sorry it didn't work.

I'm sorry I'm still hurting, Eight months down the line.
I'm sorry I can't deal with seeing you, or talking to you.

To know you'll never love me again hurts so much
I never wanted it to end.

"Whenever I'm alone with you..."

I'm being so pathetic. I miss you.
I haven't moved on. I haven't found anyone new.
I'll stay alone now, I think. It hurts less.
x

It's another short story competition! | Writing Contest

It's another short story competition! | Writing Contest
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5000 word limit
Winner gets fan art of their story, $5 and a certificate!
Two runners up get fan art.
Any genre

Go go go.

Changes.

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...

Kidding. I'm not going to Bel Air you...

A lot has happened since my last post. I'm so tired. Well, in my last post I think I talked about how me and Jen had broken up... And then we got back together. On a trial basis. And it worked for a little bit, and then I moved house... and everything has been so much. I started ignoring her. Without realising. I mean, I was checking her messages and sending her messages when I checked my phone, at least 10 times a day, but we usually talked constantly. It was big decrease. This upset her. And other things... And I've totally shut myself off from everything, emotionally at least. I'm working on autopilot and I stupidly said we should break up... because I can't deal with being in a relationship. In hindsight now I'm thinking that was so stupid. So so stupid. We decided to not have any communication and argh! It's so much. I can't... I can't deal with being without her. How do I do it? I always just talked to her. Always. For the past year... She's my safe place. My love. Stupid stupid Kait. What did I mean I don't want to be with her? that was all a load of shit. I do. I want to be with her. I can deal with everything. In having to weigh it all up... The troubles of being iwth her... and the struggle of being without her. It's no contest. I want to be with her. It's worth it. How do I cope? I'm really not... I'm really really struggling not to just shut down and stop doing anything. It's such an effort to socialise. To eat. To get anything done. I just don't see the point. But I'm forcing myself, but I don't want to. I just want my Jennie...
"What are you doing today?" Kylie asked me. I don't know. I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up in a corner. I have nobody now. I'm living with two almost strangers, and I don't even have my Jennie...

I should shut up about it. It's not going to help anything. It's not going to bring her back. I just want a hug. I just want a cuddle. I just want everything to be better. I can't stop crying. I can't deal with being alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without her. She's my everything. I mean, in the long run... maybe it was for the best. But I don't care. Can't we just try. Please can we try. I don't know if I'll have the courage to say this to her. I mean. We're not talking...



Anyway. I've moved house. Now living in stafford. It's... going okay I guess. Hard to judge when I'm falling about over Jen.... I need to stop crying. I really do... It's been ... a day and a half. Jesus. Has it been that little time? It feels like an eternity. Not half an hour goes past I don't think about her. She's always on my mind. Always has been. Why did I never say it to her? Why did I never find the words to express how I feel?


Look, I'll shut up. Nobody wants to hear this. Sorry for wasting your time. Everybody's time. Everybody who reads this. I'm not worth it.

Broken

Mutual agreement. Me and Jen split up. It hurts. So badly. I have nothing to say. Nothing of value. I just... I want to stop feeling. I want the pain to stop. I want to just go back to how things were.

No more words.

Post!

I'm a little scared to post to be honest. Things have been looking up, things are going well. For once. If I post I end up typing my feelings I didn't know I had and come out with things I didn't realise were bothering me. I'm worried if I type this post about what's going on then I'll get all depressed about it... Oh well! Let's have a go anyway.

The positives:
So let's start with the job. I've been offered a week's worth of work, and it's fantastic for me. Gives me something to do with myself. It's nice, mindless work and they're really laid back there, casual dress code, free coffee, and I'm allowed my headphones in so I just listen to audiobooks while mindlessly metatagging hundreds of news articles. Not only that, but this week's work is going to pay £400, in theory. £10/hr is good money. The impression I got is that I may very well end up working longer because they're really busy and would be happy to keep me on longer. I like getting up early, I like being busy all day, I like the walking between bus stop and work (about 20 min). I know it's only a week but it's something! Done wonders for my mood - I have hope. I'm exhausted because I'm not used to doing things, but it's good.

Now then! House! I'm moving in with a couple of people in Stafford. The rent is £41/wk, with £300 deposit. DSS allowed, pets allowed, can decorate own room. And the housemates are awesome. There's Fran, who's a very... effeminate straight guy, but he's an anime fan, cross-dresser, lolita fashion designer and dressmaker. Then there's Ceri, who's a lovely gamer lesbian undergrad who keeps rats. And I met the regular guests, Ceri's girlfriend and her gay friend luke, both of whom are lovely people. And they're like. We don't care if you're trans. We look forward to you living here, Kait.

Now! Let's see. I've been told there shouldn't really be a problem with me going to Stafford college (got told by the college), and to apply online as soon as I'm moved, which should be start of March? I mean, I get paid my £400 somewhere between the 24th and the 2nd. At which point I'll send £382 to Shan (the landlord) which is my deposit + two weeks rent. He knows my situation and the moment I've signed an agreement to say I'm living there officially, I apply for housing benefit. If I get the extra week's work, I should have enough money to last me rent-wise and food/bills-wise until my housing benefit comes in, and hopefully have some left over to put towards my transition fund. Roisin gave me a load of her old clothes, which is good because I need to buy myself a wardrobe as I'll be living full-time in Stafford as female. *excited* ... Ah and I have to buy train tickets for the 28th/29th... I'll figure something out. So financially things don't look too bad... relatively. House is good. Full time is good. Education is good. Work is good.


And now. I'm exhausted. I'll write... the bad bits tomorrow. For now - Sleep. Lots of it. Goodnight world!


Kaitie xx

Drawing

I will get some drawing done tomorrow. I will. I didn't draw today, and I only got a couple of brief sketches done yesterday. I'll do Princess Luna tomorrow. Maybe start Ariel...

I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna face tomorrow. In fact, I don't wanna face the rest of this week. Or... any of it. It's all too much. I don't wanna face anything. I just want to curl up in bed and hide away from the world. I want to die

Mum reckons I need to either live in a ghetto, or london in order to be accepted for being trans. Err. Shut up mother, you're spouting crap. Again.

Dysphoria is roaring it's ugly head. I'm in one of my... little moods. Where everything bothers me. Everything gets to me and I'm snappy and just want to cry and break down. I generally find that this is mostly dysphoria manifesting itself in another way and it calms me if I do things towards my transition, and dress female and so on. Hate it. Maybe death would be good.

So tired. Of everything.

Oh wait, I just took my anti-depressant for the first time in two days. No wonder I sudden feel a billion times worse. Oh well, the morning will come... Like an inevitable storm.



So, the reasons my mum has listed, honest reasons as to why she doesn't want me to move out - She likes the things I do for her. And. She likes having me pay her rent. And. She reckons it'll look bad on her if I move out. Whatever. That's the closest I've got to honesty so far... Also I think she's stopped attending her mental health appointments. Sigh.

One more day. One more day here, then I'm off up to stafford to do this house viewing an seeing jen n all nice things.

Oh yeah. Went to go see the trio monday. Bussed it over to Roisin's, chatted for a bit, went to walk to Dan's house and then he drove past us on the way to the shop and we went with him, then he went home, Emma had to go do... something about rangers. And Roisin gave me some of her old clothes that she was going to give to charity - which is awesome, cos I need new clothes. Desperately. Left my bag in dan's car though, which has some drawing stuff in it, body spray, and possibly some important things but I forget what... Was nice to have a quiet evening, it's a difference from being at home.


Now. I must sleep. Even if I know I'll have nightmares. Even if I know I'll wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. Even if I know I'll likely wake up in a panic. Even if I know it'll make tomorrow come sooner.
Oh, for the record, nothing significant happens tomorrow. I mean. Dentist checkup but that's it. Other than that - i just don't wanna face my mum and stuff.


Night!


Kaitie x