I should sleep. I can't keep doing these late nights and early mornings... But I'm scared of nightmares. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared of what tomorrow might bring. I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want to face Mum tomorrow. I don't want to face everything tomorrow. Nothing particularly bad tomorrow, I just don't want to do it. I don't even get to go see Jen tomorrow - it's a big day for her mum so it would be easier if I go up thursday morning. Sigh. Hate the travel. Hate being without Jen. Don't want to face tomorrow alone. Teacher training for the kids tomorrow though so I'm undoubtedly looking after them all day. I might do what my Mum does. "I'm feeling a little tired, so fuck it. I can't be bothered. I'm not doing anything and I'm going back to bed." Yeah that wouldn't work, that would get me a clip round the ear. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who wakes up in a panic or wakes up crying. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who got no sleep (though hers is usually her own fault). Doesn't matter if I feel ill. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who's depressed and on the verge of tears all day. No. It's only her that matters. Selfish cow.
It's the anniversary of Dean passing away on the 4th. Sad times. My birthday on the 8th though. I'm actually dreading my birthday. I don't know how to act when people are being nice and paying attention to me. It's my 18th though so I'm expected to do something... I'm going to see the new puss in boots movie with Jen though! Yay! Maybe we'll be able to be... together. For once. She's usually in pain or doesn't want to because she's stressed and her libido is generally through the floor. It sucks, but I deal with it. Maybe on my birthday though... Not that it matters, right? It would be nice though. Not going to bring it up with her though - No point making her feel guilty.
Anyway. Generally struggling right now. I'll deal. It's what I do, right?
I should really sleep and stop putting it off.
Goodnight all... I really hope not many people read this blog. It makes me feel so exposed.
x
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
That woman is infuriating...
Mum was meant to go get her results from the doctors today. She didn't. She rebooked and said to me "I'm too busy to go! I have so much to do!" then fucked off to bed. Thanks for the consideration, I was hoping she could go and I could get this weight off my mind. I hoped she would go, be given the all clear and I'd be happy and fine and not worry about it. No such luck.
Sometimes I just want to slap her.
Sometimes I just want to slap her.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Low
Having a low patch at the moment. I guess there's just alot going on and it's getting to me. I'm also caught in a catch 22.
I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but this is my blog, it's not my fault if other people read it. Mum's had a cancer scare. She's had a pain in her chest for a while now and it's not going away. She's lost weight and is showing signs of lung cancer. She went to the doctors and they had her nearly instantly scanned for all sorts. What she didn't tell me was that she was meant to go for a biospy yesterday but didn't tell anyone because she wasn't planning on going in the first place. I'm worried about her. Her cough is getting worse, and she's got to get her results on tuesday. I'm making her go even though she doesn't want to.
Sigh. I'm so tired; I haven't been sleeping well. Keep waking up, and having trouble getting to sleep and all of that. Talked with Jennie about my transition and stuff, and I'm still sorta upset over it, had a lot to think about. I really don't want to go to my psych appointment tomorrow. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to deal with it. Can't I just deal with my own problems?
The fact that I'm feeling that is probably not a very good sign for my mental health or stability. Oh well...
It's really getting to me, that Jen's always in pain. Always hurting somewhere. It's hard to see her suffer all the time. I know she tends to shut up about it and not talk about it too much, but I know when she's hurting and it's nearly constant. She has Fibromyalgia and it's hard on me. I know it's a living hell for her, so I shut up about how much it affects me. I do everything I can for her but it's just not enough; it doesn't do anything. It never makes it easier. We often share pain too, so I know when she's hurting and feel it in an echo of myself too. I can usually take people's pain away, but I can't touch the fibro pain. If someone was hurting before I'd just try and take their pain and that was that. My little sister's a healer too unfortunately, i've seen her try and take Jen's pain. It doesn't work!
Nina (Jen's mum) also has fibro but a lot worse than Jen. She has arthiritus pretty much everywhere you can think of, and is depressed and always in more pain. It wears me down, seeing everybody around me suffering. My mum's not in a stable place anyway lately, so she's got her crazy bipolar mental shit going on, and Jen's struggling at times too with things and Nina's ... always suicidal.
I think I have to put off the anti-androgens too. I have to pause my transition. I don't have to, nobody's making me but in order to deal with everything else in my life, I need to. Things are moving so fast, I'm scared.
I'd like to just... fix everyone. Everything is so much right now. I can't support everyone. I can't see everybody around me hurting in every way and be absolutely fucking useless to do anything about it.
I want to get out of this house. Desperately. When I go up to see Jen on thursday I'll have her help me with my CV and teach me to jobhunt and we'll go to the CAB and everything. I need to do something with my life.... It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else is going on.
Oh and lets factor in my own mental health here for a second. Let's just say PTSD is a bitch.
I have everybody on at me all the time do something productive, get yourself a job, learn something. It's so hard. I can't find the motivation. I'm so scared to do anything different, I'm scared it might be too much. I even stopped writing. I gave up. It was too much....
I'm such a fucking failure.
So where does that leave us? Struggling, tired, headachey and flashbacky. Can't say a word though, keep my mouth shut because I can only just deal with it as it is, and if anyone worries about me I'll feel worse for making them worry about me on top of their own problems. And I'll have to talk about it and think about it all... So if I keep my mouth shut I can just about cope, right?
Well that's the idea anyway...
Thinking of hunting down Kylie's address so I can send her a letter; I miss her and she's never online. It's a shame really. Maybe good old fashioned snail mail will get the job done. We'll see.
Laters taters.x
I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but this is my blog, it's not my fault if other people read it. Mum's had a cancer scare. She's had a pain in her chest for a while now and it's not going away. She's lost weight and is showing signs of lung cancer. She went to the doctors and they had her nearly instantly scanned for all sorts. What she didn't tell me was that she was meant to go for a biospy yesterday but didn't tell anyone because she wasn't planning on going in the first place. I'm worried about her. Her cough is getting worse, and she's got to get her results on tuesday. I'm making her go even though she doesn't want to.
Sigh. I'm so tired; I haven't been sleeping well. Keep waking up, and having trouble getting to sleep and all of that. Talked with Jennie about my transition and stuff, and I'm still sorta upset over it, had a lot to think about. I really don't want to go to my psych appointment tomorrow. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to deal with it. Can't I just deal with my own problems?
The fact that I'm feeling that is probably not a very good sign for my mental health or stability. Oh well...
It's really getting to me, that Jen's always in pain. Always hurting somewhere. It's hard to see her suffer all the time. I know she tends to shut up about it and not talk about it too much, but I know when she's hurting and it's nearly constant. She has Fibromyalgia and it's hard on me. I know it's a living hell for her, so I shut up about how much it affects me. I do everything I can for her but it's just not enough; it doesn't do anything. It never makes it easier. We often share pain too, so I know when she's hurting and feel it in an echo of myself too. I can usually take people's pain away, but I can't touch the fibro pain. If someone was hurting before I'd just try and take their pain and that was that. My little sister's a healer too unfortunately, i've seen her try and take Jen's pain. It doesn't work!
Nina (Jen's mum) also has fibro but a lot worse than Jen. She has arthiritus pretty much everywhere you can think of, and is depressed and always in more pain. It wears me down, seeing everybody around me suffering. My mum's not in a stable place anyway lately, so she's got her crazy bipolar mental shit going on, and Jen's struggling at times too with things and Nina's ... always suicidal.
I think I have to put off the anti-androgens too. I have to pause my transition. I don't have to, nobody's making me but in order to deal with everything else in my life, I need to. Things are moving so fast, I'm scared.
I'd like to just... fix everyone. Everything is so much right now. I can't support everyone. I can't see everybody around me hurting in every way and be absolutely fucking useless to do anything about it.
I want to get out of this house. Desperately. When I go up to see Jen on thursday I'll have her help me with my CV and teach me to jobhunt and we'll go to the CAB and everything. I need to do something with my life.... It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else is going on.
Oh and lets factor in my own mental health here for a second. Let's just say PTSD is a bitch.
I have everybody on at me all the time do something productive, get yourself a job, learn something. It's so hard. I can't find the motivation. I'm so scared to do anything different, I'm scared it might be too much. I even stopped writing. I gave up. It was too much....
I'm such a fucking failure.
So where does that leave us? Struggling, tired, headachey and flashbacky. Can't say a word though, keep my mouth shut because I can only just deal with it as it is, and if anyone worries about me I'll feel worse for making them worry about me on top of their own problems. And I'll have to talk about it and think about it all... So if I keep my mouth shut I can just about cope, right?
Well that's the idea anyway...
Thinking of hunting down Kylie's address so I can send her a letter; I miss her and she's never online. It's a shame really. Maybe good old fashioned snail mail will get the job done. We'll see.
Laters taters.x
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Better.
Feeling better, I think. Mum's being her usual awkard self, and I think I have a temperature - I don't feel very well.
Generally feeling a little blah. Sigh. Oh well...
...
Generally feeling a little blah. Sigh. Oh well...
...
Monday, 21 November 2011
Feeling a little better.
Feeling a little better. I'm not crying anymore, and I forced myself to get up and doing things. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's not really working... Struggling today, I really am. I just... yeah. Not doing brilliantly.
Fake smile, you're such a good friend, you're always there when I need you. No point making everybody else feel shit too, right? If I just smile and get on with it, then everybody can get on with their lifes, and not have to worry about mine. Making people worry and stress about me just makes me feel worse... I'll just smile and help everybody else in hopes it will shut my own brain up for a second or two.
Things are... fuzzy inside. I can't focus as easily on some alters. I don't know why; it's worrying. It feels almost like they're intergrating but I don't think they are. It's almost like they're doing the opposite of appearing... =\ sigh.
I need a job. I need money. Without money I can't do anything.
And where the hell are my tweezers?!
¬.¬
Fake smile, you're such a good friend, you're always there when I need you. No point making everybody else feel shit too, right? If I just smile and get on with it, then everybody can get on with their lifes, and not have to worry about mine. Making people worry and stress about me just makes me feel worse... I'll just smile and help everybody else in hopes it will shut my own brain up for a second or two.
Things are... fuzzy inside. I can't focus as easily on some alters. I don't know why; it's worrying. It feels almost like they're intergrating but I don't think they are. It's almost like they're doing the opposite of appearing... =\ sigh.
I need a job. I need money. Without money I can't do anything.
And where the hell are my tweezers?!
¬.¬
Rough night
Had a seriously rough night last night. Well, today marks 21/11 number four. Last night I was struggling with the whole anniversary thing and stuff and I was rambling all depressed-like and Jennie said she can't cope with me anymore and we need to have a chat sometime about it. And that she loves me no matter what, and all that. Sounds scary and ominous and I ended up crying myself to sleep, and had a really disturbed night. Dreamt of back at crestwood, and dreamt Jennie decided she wanted somebody else and went off with them. Either way, I slept really badly last night. I don't feel I'm allowed to talk to Jennie about my problems anymore if she's struggling. I want to be there for her but she won't talk to me about things; she says I have too much on my plate. If I can deal with Miste, Chelsey n leila all at the same time, I can deal with her stuff. I want to help. I want to be there for her. Was she talking about leaving me?
I feel so useless. I'm only up and online now because Jen asked if I could be online in the morning, so here I am. I don't want to get out of bed today.
I love her. I hope everything works out okay. It's a rough day for her Mum today too (two year anniversary of her partner passing away) and she's living there at the minute so I'm expecting her not to be talking much.
And I don't know where my phone is. Jennie's still not online. I'm worried about her though, she said she was nearing her limit and she was really struggling. What if she's done something stupid? I mean I mentioned not wanting to live anymore, but that's because it's easier to see the reasons not to live than to see the reasons to live. But I'm getting better, I am. The thoughts cross my mind but I don't think I'll act on them. That's an improvement. Life is worth living. Things are made easier by Jennie. She makes me smile, makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something. She treats me with respect and consideration, she makes me feel. Beyond that I'm not even sure what I'm hanging on to. I need to get out of this house any way possible; I'm planning on moving in with Jen sometime when she has her own place, and then my transition will be able to start (because I really can't do it living here)...
Things are getting harder living here, by the day. Mum is generally a ball of hysteria and mania. Dad is generally useless and doesn't do the whole compassion thing; he just leaves people to it.
I miss Jen. She's coming back on Wednesday for my mums birthday - she promised Mum a cooked meal because mum never cooks. Ever. She'll order takeaway or put a ready meal in the oven for 40 minutes.
Is it wednesday yet?
Oh and I'm crying again. Sigh. I need to pull myself together and get out of bed, but I'm scared. I don't want to get up and face the world today. I just want to... skip to tomorrow and feel better. Or better yet, wednesday.
I'll shut up...
I feel so useless. I'm only up and online now because Jen asked if I could be online in the morning, so here I am. I don't want to get out of bed today.
I love her. I hope everything works out okay. It's a rough day for her Mum today too (two year anniversary of her partner passing away) and she's living there at the minute so I'm expecting her not to be talking much.
And I don't know where my phone is. Jennie's still not online. I'm worried about her though, she said she was nearing her limit and she was really struggling. What if she's done something stupid? I mean I mentioned not wanting to live anymore, but that's because it's easier to see the reasons not to live than to see the reasons to live. But I'm getting better, I am. The thoughts cross my mind but I don't think I'll act on them. That's an improvement. Life is worth living. Things are made easier by Jennie. She makes me smile, makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something. She treats me with respect and consideration, she makes me feel. Beyond that I'm not even sure what I'm hanging on to. I need to get out of this house any way possible; I'm planning on moving in with Jen sometime when she has her own place, and then my transition will be able to start (because I really can't do it living here)...
Things are getting harder living here, by the day. Mum is generally a ball of hysteria and mania. Dad is generally useless and doesn't do the whole compassion thing; he just leaves people to it.
I miss Jen. She's coming back on Wednesday for my mums birthday - she promised Mum a cooked meal because mum never cooks. Ever. She'll order takeaway or put a ready meal in the oven for 40 minutes.
Is it wednesday yet?
Oh and I'm crying again. Sigh. I need to pull myself together and get out of bed, but I'm scared. I don't want to get up and face the world today. I just want to... skip to tomorrow and feel better. Or better yet, wednesday.
I'll shut up...
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