...

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of life, of eveyrthing, as i said before...

More than that, I'm scared I won't get better. *sighs* what am I going to do?
I've been depresed and suffering for years now, they keep saying it gets better with time. That therapy will make things better... my situation is improving. My life is getting better. It's all good. I should be fine. I should be. Why aren't I? I don't really feel much better than I did before, I just deal better. I have more supports, better coping mechanisms, but why should I need to? Why can't I just be fine? I'm so pathetic. The urge to hurt myself is still there, every day, multiple times a day. The suicidal thoughts are still there, kept in check. I'm fighting with my ED, it's not getting any easier in the slightest. Any of it. Why can't they be gone? These thoughts and feelings? Why can't I be happy? I feel a little happier when i'm with Tink. I find it hard to be genuinely enthusiastic about anything. i'm struggling so much at the moment.
I feel numb, dead. Pointless. I don't know what to do with myself.
London tomorrow. So scared.
To the point where the thought of injuring myself so bad I don't have to go just crossed my mind. I won't, I know I won't. This appointment is far far too important for me to do that. But maybe if I did, people would take me seriously and see just how bad I feel...
Not that I will. I don't want the attention, i already have it which I don't want. I don't want all these officials thinking i'm perfectly fine and though i say how bad i am, i'm just getting by. It's why they won't do well... anything with me. I want to hurt myself and just be left alone. I want to do it where nobody will see it so I don't have to face the wrath of everybody who'd find out. I want to. It makes me feel better...


No, I'm being stupid. I'm fine, remember? I'm meant to be okay. I can only really admit to Tink that i'm not okay, but even then I struggle saying just how not okay I am. She's all I have right now, and I love her dearly. I can't hurt myself because it would hurt her. I know she's here for me, but I still feel awful and there's nothing anyone can do...
I feel I'm being selfish feeling like this, there are people who have it worse than me, who feel worse than me.


i'm probably just tired or something, I would say I'l feel better in the morning but i'm up at 6.10 to go to London. Joy. I'll feel better... sometime. Probably when I'm with Tink tomorrow. She shuts my head up. Not my alters, but the bad thoughts. Even if I feel bad, it's all clear and easier to manage when I'm around her.
Speaking of alters... I reckon Alice has the opposite of depression. You know depressed people don't produce enough seratonin in their brain so they're depressed? I reckon she produces too much and is always happy... Lucky. Oh, and Angel has been struggling lately with flashbacks, which is in turn affecting me. I don't know what to do about it... endure I suppose.
I'll shut up, I'm being pathetic.