An update of sorts

Well... Quite a bit has happened since my last update, I guess. Tink is mostly on my mind but I'll get to her once I get everything else out the way...
I'm in danger of failing college, quite literally and seriously. Back in January I failed my Digital Graphics unit, because despite following my feedback as well as I possibly good, it's still not good enough. I'll have two weeks at the end of the year to fix it.
Now onto the serious things. I've pretty much withdrawn from everyone lately, fake smiles all around and avoiding contat where possible. Mostly Tink is keeping me alive. I do believe I love her, she's so perfect for me. It's a good thing she's so support of me feeling depressed at the moment because Miste isn't really up to it and I rarely speak to litlun and if she is around, she's never okay to do it, and laney I don't trust... Tink makes me smile, genuine smile. The first time i've genuine-smiled since around November.
Mother likes her, my little sister adores her, she's 26 but it doesn't bother me. I've found a happiness for the first time in a long time...
I've been struggling with alot of suicidal thoughts lately, I keep thinking of plans whenever my mind wanders, wondering how to do it, what I'd write on my notes... When would be convenient. It's really not smart. I also have 5 new surgical blades. Joy. I've been kinda eating better and I feel so repulsively fat. I'm really unsafe from myself right now...
Earlier, tink found a little red metal rose. She said it was little and pretty. I agreed. *SI trigger* However in my head I was thinking that the first drops of blood from a fresh cut done with a sharp tool, is also beautiful *end trigger*
I'm scared of myself, but for the first time in a long time I've found a source of happiness and trust. And for once, I'm physically trusting too... And so it reminds me of all badness but I'm glad, I want to get past and be happy.
I'm not going to lie. I'm missing Miste... we're barely talking which is worrying... I'm also scared of Tink replacing her in my life as my best friend and source of safety. Tink is rapidly becoming my best friend and I love her, but Miste is also so important to me too, and we've grown distant lately... I'm wondering what's happening. I feel guilty for it... but it's my own fault. Things haven't been right between us since we broke up and that's my fault. I'm sad our friendship has taken such a huge blow...
On topic. Tink. It's so weird. I can honestly see myself with her for... well forever. It hurts when she's not here. I want to go run away and marry her and go off and such... but I wish it worked that way. Alas, no.

I'm getting paranoid again posting here. I need to update my other blog but I'm finding it hard to get anything out in words, for once. I can easily write a story if I wanted to, but I can't put down how I'm feeling...

I'm all normal-dissociated so everything is really weird. I'm also incredibly tired so...


Goodnight x