...

I'm posting from college today, I'm stressed and hurt.



Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.

It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.

I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.

Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...

I'm being bugged to work.




Might update later... probably not though.