London & Life

I'm going back to the gender clinic on tuesday, in london. The fisrt time, dad came with me. Second time, jen came with me. This time, I want Tink with me in the actual appointment, but she can't afford to catch the train from here... because she has her important doctors appointment afterwards. I feel guilty for dragging her with me, I should just say don't come with me, i'll be fine. it'll save money and trouble and everything. But i'm scared. Terrified of going completely alone. London scared me when I was with her, but alone?


I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station  to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.

I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.



What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.

And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...


I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.

Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?