...

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of life, of eveyrthing, as i said before...

More than that, I'm scared I won't get better. *sighs* what am I going to do?
I've been depresed and suffering for years now, they keep saying it gets better with time. That therapy will make things better... my situation is improving. My life is getting better. It's all good. I should be fine. I should be. Why aren't I? I don't really feel much better than I did before, I just deal better. I have more supports, better coping mechanisms, but why should I need to? Why can't I just be fine? I'm so pathetic. The urge to hurt myself is still there, every day, multiple times a day. The suicidal thoughts are still there, kept in check. I'm fighting with my ED, it's not getting any easier in the slightest. Any of it. Why can't they be gone? These thoughts and feelings? Why can't I be happy? I feel a little happier when i'm with Tink. I find it hard to be genuinely enthusiastic about anything. i'm struggling so much at the moment.
I feel numb, dead. Pointless. I don't know what to do with myself.
London tomorrow. So scared.
To the point where the thought of injuring myself so bad I don't have to go just crossed my mind. I won't, I know I won't. This appointment is far far too important for me to do that. But maybe if I did, people would take me seriously and see just how bad I feel...
Not that I will. I don't want the attention, i already have it which I don't want. I don't want all these officials thinking i'm perfectly fine and though i say how bad i am, i'm just getting by. It's why they won't do well... anything with me. I want to hurt myself and just be left alone. I want to do it where nobody will see it so I don't have to face the wrath of everybody who'd find out. I want to. It makes me feel better...


No, I'm being stupid. I'm fine, remember? I'm meant to be okay. I can only really admit to Tink that i'm not okay, but even then I struggle saying just how not okay I am. She's all I have right now, and I love her dearly. I can't hurt myself because it would hurt her. I know she's here for me, but I still feel awful and there's nothing anyone can do...
I feel I'm being selfish feeling like this, there are people who have it worse than me, who feel worse than me.


i'm probably just tired or something, I would say I'l feel better in the morning but i'm up at 6.10 to go to London. Joy. I'll feel better... sometime. Probably when I'm with Tink tomorrow. She shuts my head up. Not my alters, but the bad thoughts. Even if I feel bad, it's all clear and easier to manage when I'm around her.
Speaking of alters... I reckon Alice has the opposite of depression. You know depressed people don't produce enough seratonin in their brain so they're depressed? I reckon she produces too much and is always happy... Lucky. Oh, and Angel has been struggling lately with flashbacks, which is in turn affecting me. I don't know what to do about it... endure I suppose.
I'll shut up, I'm being pathetic.


 

London & Life

I'm going back to the gender clinic on tuesday, in london. The fisrt time, dad came with me. Second time, jen came with me. This time, I want Tink with me in the actual appointment, but she can't afford to catch the train from here... because she has her important doctors appointment afterwards. I feel guilty for dragging her with me, I should just say don't come with me, i'll be fine. it'll save money and trouble and everything. But i'm scared. Terrified of going completely alone. London scared me when I was with her, but alone?


I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station  to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.

I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.



What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.

And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...


I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.

Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?