Low

Having a low patch at the moment. I guess there's just alot going on and it's getting to me. I'm also caught in a catch 22.
  I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but this is my blog, it's not my fault if other people read it. Mum's had a cancer scare. She's had a pain in her chest for a while now and it's not going away. She's lost weight and is showing signs of lung cancer. She went to the doctors and they had her nearly instantly scanned for all sorts. What she didn't tell me was that she was meant to go for a biospy yesterday but didn't tell anyone because she wasn't planning on going in the first place. I'm worried about her. Her cough is getting worse, and she's got to get her results on tuesday. I'm making her go even though she doesn't want to.

Sigh. I'm so tired; I haven't been sleeping well. Keep waking up, and having trouble getting to sleep and all of that. Talked with Jennie about my transition and stuff, and I'm still sorta upset over it, had a lot to think about. I really don't want to go to my psych appointment tomorrow. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to deal with it. Can't I just deal with my own problems?
The fact that I'm feeling that is probably not a very good sign for my mental health or stability. Oh well...

It's really getting to me, that Jen's always in pain. Always hurting somewhere. It's hard to see her suffer all the time. I know she tends to shut up about it and not talk about it too much, but I know when she's hurting and it's nearly constant. She has Fibromyalgia and it's hard on me. I know it's a living hell for her, so I shut up about how much it affects me. I do everything I can for her but it's just not enough; it doesn't do anything. It never makes it easier. We often share pain too, so I know when she's hurting and feel it in an echo of myself too. I can usually take people's pain away, but I can't touch the fibro pain. If someone was hurting before I'd just try and take their pain and that was that. My little sister's a healer too unfortunately, i've seen her try and take Jen's pain. It doesn't work!
Nina (Jen's mum) also has fibro but a lot worse than Jen. She has arthiritus pretty much everywhere you can think of, and is depressed and always in more pain. It wears me down, seeing everybody around me suffering. My mum's not in a stable place anyway lately, so she's got her crazy bipolar mental shit going on, and Jen's struggling at times too with things and Nina's ... always suicidal.
I think I have to put off the anti-androgens too. I have to pause my transition. I don't have to, nobody's making me but in order to deal with everything else in my life, I need to. Things are moving so fast, I'm scared.
I'd like to just... fix everyone. Everything is so much right now. I can't support everyone. I can't see everybody around me hurting in every way and be absolutely fucking useless to do anything about it.
  I want to get out of this house. Desperately. When I go up to see Jen on thursday I'll have her help me with my CV and teach me to jobhunt and we'll go to the CAB and everything. I need to do something with my life.... It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else is going on.
Oh and lets factor in my own mental health here for a second. Let's just say PTSD is a bitch.
I have everybody on at me all the time do something productive, get yourself a job, learn something. It's so hard. I can't find the motivation. I'm so scared to do anything different, I'm scared it might be too much. I even stopped writing. I gave up. It was too much....

I'm such a fucking failure.


So where does that leave us? Struggling, tired, headachey and flashbacky. Can't say a word though, keep my mouth shut because I can only just deal with it as it is, and if anyone worries about me I'll feel worse for making them worry about me on top of their own problems. And I'll have to talk about it and think about it all... So if I keep my mouth shut I can just about cope, right?

Well that's the idea anyway...


Thinking of hunting down Kylie's address so I can send her a letter; I miss her and she's never online. It's a shame really. Maybe good old fashioned snail mail will get the job done. We'll see.

Laters taters.x