Rough night

Had a seriously rough night last night. Well, today marks 21/11 number four. Last night I was struggling with the whole anniversary thing and stuff and I was rambling all depressed-like and Jennie said she can't cope with me anymore and we need to have a chat sometime about it. And that she loves me no matter what, and all that. Sounds scary and ominous and I ended up crying myself to sleep, and had a really disturbed night. Dreamt of back at crestwood, and dreamt Jennie decided she wanted somebody else and went off with them. Either way, I slept really badly last night. I don't feel I'm allowed to talk to Jennie about my problems anymore if she's struggling. I want to be there for her but she won't talk to me about things; she says I have too much on my plate. If I can deal with Miste, Chelsey n leila all at the same time, I can deal with her stuff. I want to help. I want to be there for her. Was she talking about leaving me?
  I feel so useless. I'm only up and online now because Jen asked if I could be online in the morning, so here I am. I don't want to get out of bed today.
I love her. I hope everything works out okay. It's a rough day for her Mum today too (two year anniversary of her partner passing away) and she's living there at the minute so I'm expecting her not to be talking much.

And I don't know where my phone is. Jennie's still not online. I'm worried about her though, she said she was nearing her limit and she was really struggling. What if she's done something stupid? I mean I mentioned not wanting to live anymore, but that's because it's easier to see the reasons not to live than to see the reasons to live. But I'm getting better, I am. The thoughts cross my mind but I don't think I'll act on them. That's an improvement. Life is worth living. Things are made easier by Jennie. She makes me smile, makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something. She treats me with respect and consideration, she makes me feel. Beyond that I'm not even sure what I'm hanging on to. I need to get out of this house any way possible; I'm planning on moving in with Jen sometime when she has her own place, and then my transition will be able to start (because I really can't do it living here)...

Things are getting harder living here, by the day. Mum is generally a ball of hysteria and mania. Dad is generally useless and doesn't do the whole compassion thing; he just leaves people to it.

I miss Jen. She's coming back on Wednesday for my mums birthday - she promised Mum a cooked meal because mum never cooks. Ever. She'll order takeaway or put a ready meal in the oven for 40 minutes.

Is it wednesday yet?

Oh and I'm crying again. Sigh. I need to pull myself together and get out of bed, but I'm scared. I don't want to get up and face the world today. I just want to... skip to tomorrow and feel better. Or better yet, wednesday.


I'll shut up...