,,,

Feeling generally really unsettled, dysphoric, and on the verge of being triggered (but not quite triggered?) and generally panicked and anxiety-ridden, though I have no clue why it's so bad. Haven't heard from Jen for most of the day - I worry sometimes.
Shaking, feel sick, generally feeling shitty...
Dan & Emma came over today, they just left... Wish I could be me. I want to be me... I need to. I need to get out of here. Help? Please? Anybody? Get me out of here. Even if it's just so I can be myself... I don't care how hard money is, I don't care if I don't eat, I don't care if I can't have any pets. I just... need to be out of here. I can't do this. Sigh...
Worried about Jen, though I know it's silly and she's probably asleep or left her phone somewhere, and that's all it is... Probably. I've sent her a few messages and don't want to phone her and it's approaching midnight and if she is asleep, I don't want to disturb her...

I hate my body, so so much. I feel... trapped. It's getting worse, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's getting harder and harder. Today, during one of mum's crazy moments (which have been pretty bad today) she grabbed my hand/wrist, stared at my hand for a minute and started to cry. I asked her why, and she said I would never have children, and she wants grandkids.... That's been preying on my mind lately though, I don't know if she knows it or not... Not that I want kids, but Jen's invested in the idea. I'm worried that because my dysphoria is so bad it's going to push me into this so fast I won't have children... Ever. That's a tough choice, but if I put off my transition and then subsequently kill myself, that won't solve any problems either. Sperm freezing costs about £3000/yr and then the IVF costs roughtly £75,000. That's not an option. Adoption has never really appealed - If I am to have kids, I want my own children, not somebody elses. I know any child of mine would be smart, beautiful, kind... I know it's early days, but I have to think about these things now because it won't be possible a few years down the line. I need a break. I need not to think. I need not to... live. I just want an escape, I just want to not have GID, PTSD, DID or any of my other mental ailments for just one day. Just a day, but that's not going to happen. I want a job, I want to be financially stable, I want my own home... None of this is going to happen... well it might. I can hope. Things look hopeless...

Why me? Why should I have to deal with all of this? Why not just one or the problems? Or half? A handful maybe? Why do I have to be the mentally unstable transgendered child abuse victim with people living in my head, a very mentally ill mother, a family where I am not respected and am emotionally abused every day, no qualifications because of my depression and self harm and DID... I mean, y'know. If I were just transgendered with my current situation of no job and no money, but still had a loving adoring girlfriend, that's great. I'd happily welcome that situation, but not everything else... Life has just been one great big load of shit to me. 'cept Jennie. She's made it easier, made it worth living through...


Just... Blah. I'll shut up now, nobody wants to hear me whine...
I wonder how many people actually read my blog? Miste does, I think. I think Chelskii does... That's about all... hmm... Wonder who else? Paranoid...



Shh.

Harder and harder.

It really is getting harder and harder to life at home, day by day. More and more puts me on edge, I actually can't stand my mother's company... Or my dad's for that matter. I never could, but... I just need to get out of here.
"You're coming to Merry Hill with me tomorrow during the day." ... Fine. But as long as I still have time to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to ask them what I can do in my position. I can't stay at home - it's driving me to insanity. It's driving me back to unhelpful thoughts, dangerous thoughts. I don't feel welcome, respected or loved. I don't feel I belong here, and I'm treated like shit. Constantly.
I know in my heart of hearts (Elundari?) I'm loved by my family, even if they have a weird way of showing it...
Somebody, get me out of here. Somebody, help, before I actually go round the bend and hurt myself...

On the plus side, I received two letters + a package today. Handwritten letter from Miste, which was short and uneventful, but still nice to get :), and the other was from Kylie, which was lovely to get. She also sent me two stuffed toys; a kangeroo and koala holding boomerangs. They're so cuddly! But not quite as cuddly as Chesh, which Jen made. Kitty loves them though. Will be posting it out tomorrow with the eBay stuff...

You know, my dysphoria isn't taken seriously by just about anyone. Nobody really understands just how much it gets to me. It's so bad today ... It really is.

Mum calls. -_-'


FML

dfugiwepkr;lmasdgf

It feels like my head is full of shouting voices. The only problem is, it's not my DID, it's not my alters and doesn't feel anything similar. Now the weird thing is that it's not actual voices I don't think? It's just the feeling of there being loud voices. It's almost painful, it's giving me a headache and I can't make out what they're saying. I can't focus, I can't think. It's like every time I have a thought it bounces around in my head and it gets argued with itself. I keep picking out vague angry bits, but it's more of a feeling than actual voices? I want it to stop, this used to happen when I was little, maybe once every few years, only now I know it's happened at least 3 times in the last year. Should probably talk to my therapist about it, but I never felt it was important. I have googled and come across not much. I keep trying to do deep breathing to clear my mind, tried to meditate but I can't think.
Tried listening to music but it's not helping much. The more I try to focus on things, the louder it gets.

Maybe i'm stressed, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm overtired, but this has been coming on all day. I got up at 8 to take the kids to school, and it was coming on then, but I went back to bed until 12 because I was up until 4.30 because I felt Tink's pain in her upper back. It sucks having a link, and being able to transfer energy. This feeling was penetrating into my sleep, into my dreams and the background thoughts and feeling was still there...

Sigh. It'll go away soon, I'll be fine. Just really don't like it when this happens. Wish I knew what it was.
And yes, I am absolutely sane... apart from the obvious stuff, of course.

Computers

I hate computers. I'm good at them, they're useful, don't get me wrong. I do occasionally enjoy the creativity but I do NOT want to do it for a living. It's good, in moderation. I can't do it every day. It's soul-destroying, but well paid...

However, I'm looking into going down the physics/mathematics route and stuff, so I'm looking into teaching myself maths again... I've forgotten how to do damn near everything. I am so out of practice it's unreal, so I've been on the GCSE bitesize website to get my mind back up to GCSE level and then I can move ahead to things like A level, and I'd like to learn calculus at some point too, which would be cool...
I like maths. It's fun, it's interesting, and I like how it makes me think. I like physics, it's mostly just interesting. Chemistry is a bit... meh. Not so interested. Biology kind of bores me... But it's all useful.

I turn 18 on thursday. Did you forget? Send me a birthday text on thursday! I'm having a mad hatter's tea party on saturday with Jen, her mum, my brother n sister. Possibly dan and emma too, but yeah...


Did I post about that? I forgot. On saturday me and Jen were invited out for a drink with Dan (uncle) and Emma. They found out about my transition through my nan and mostly through figuring it out for themselves, so yeah... we talk. They're 100% supportive, they realise it's my choice and I've figured out the risks. They said if there's any way they can help, then just ask. They were generally wonderful about it. Huge weight off my shoulders...


Gotta bounce. Laters.x

Sleep...

I should sleep. I can't keep doing these late nights and early mornings... But I'm scared of nightmares. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared of what tomorrow might bring. I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want to face Mum tomorrow. I don't want to face everything tomorrow. Nothing particularly bad tomorrow, I just don't want to do it. I don't even get to go see Jen tomorrow - it's a big day for her mum so it would be easier if I go up thursday morning. Sigh. Hate the travel. Hate being without Jen. Don't want to face tomorrow alone. Teacher training for the kids tomorrow though so I'm undoubtedly looking after them all day. I might do what my Mum does. "I'm feeling a little tired, so fuck it. I can't be bothered. I'm not doing anything and I'm going back to bed." Yeah that wouldn't work, that would get me a clip round the ear. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who wakes up in a panic or wakes up crying. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who got no sleep (though hers is usually her own fault). Doesn't matter if I feel ill. Doesn't matter if I'm the one who's depressed and on the verge of tears all day. No. It's only her that matters. Selfish cow.

It's the anniversary of Dean passing away on the 4th. Sad times. My birthday on the 8th though. I'm actually dreading my birthday. I don't know how to act when people are being nice and paying attention to me. It's my 18th though so I'm expected to do something... I'm going to see the new puss in boots movie with Jen though! Yay! Maybe we'll be able to be... together. For once. She's usually in pain or doesn't want to because she's stressed and her libido is generally through the floor. It sucks, but I deal with it. Maybe on my birthday though... Not that it matters, right? It would be nice though. Not going to bring it up with her though - No point making her feel guilty.

Anyway. Generally struggling right now. I'll deal. It's what I do, right?

I should really sleep and stop putting it off.
Goodnight all... I really hope not many people read this blog. It makes me feel so exposed.
x

That woman is infuriating...

Mum was meant to go get her results from the doctors today. She didn't. She rebooked and said to me "I'm too busy to go! I have so much to do!" then fucked off to bed. Thanks for the consideration, I was hoping she could go and I could get this weight off my mind. I hoped she would go, be given the all clear and I'd be happy and fine and not worry about it. No such luck.

Sometimes I just want to slap her.

Low

Having a low patch at the moment. I guess there's just alot going on and it's getting to me. I'm also caught in a catch 22.
  I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but this is my blog, it's not my fault if other people read it. Mum's had a cancer scare. She's had a pain in her chest for a while now and it's not going away. She's lost weight and is showing signs of lung cancer. She went to the doctors and they had her nearly instantly scanned for all sorts. What she didn't tell me was that she was meant to go for a biospy yesterday but didn't tell anyone because she wasn't planning on going in the first place. I'm worried about her. Her cough is getting worse, and she's got to get her results on tuesday. I'm making her go even though she doesn't want to.

Sigh. I'm so tired; I haven't been sleeping well. Keep waking up, and having trouble getting to sleep and all of that. Talked with Jennie about my transition and stuff, and I'm still sorta upset over it, had a lot to think about. I really don't want to go to my psych appointment tomorrow. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to deal with it. Can't I just deal with my own problems?
The fact that I'm feeling that is probably not a very good sign for my mental health or stability. Oh well...

It's really getting to me, that Jen's always in pain. Always hurting somewhere. It's hard to see her suffer all the time. I know she tends to shut up about it and not talk about it too much, but I know when she's hurting and it's nearly constant. She has Fibromyalgia and it's hard on me. I know it's a living hell for her, so I shut up about how much it affects me. I do everything I can for her but it's just not enough; it doesn't do anything. It never makes it easier. We often share pain too, so I know when she's hurting and feel it in an echo of myself too. I can usually take people's pain away, but I can't touch the fibro pain. If someone was hurting before I'd just try and take their pain and that was that. My little sister's a healer too unfortunately, i've seen her try and take Jen's pain. It doesn't work!
Nina (Jen's mum) also has fibro but a lot worse than Jen. She has arthiritus pretty much everywhere you can think of, and is depressed and always in more pain. It wears me down, seeing everybody around me suffering. My mum's not in a stable place anyway lately, so she's got her crazy bipolar mental shit going on, and Jen's struggling at times too with things and Nina's ... always suicidal.
I think I have to put off the anti-androgens too. I have to pause my transition. I don't have to, nobody's making me but in order to deal with everything else in my life, I need to. Things are moving so fast, I'm scared.
I'd like to just... fix everyone. Everything is so much right now. I can't support everyone. I can't see everybody around me hurting in every way and be absolutely fucking useless to do anything about it.
  I want to get out of this house. Desperately. When I go up to see Jen on thursday I'll have her help me with my CV and teach me to jobhunt and we'll go to the CAB and everything. I need to do something with my life.... It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else is going on.
Oh and lets factor in my own mental health here for a second. Let's just say PTSD is a bitch.
I have everybody on at me all the time do something productive, get yourself a job, learn something. It's so hard. I can't find the motivation. I'm so scared to do anything different, I'm scared it might be too much. I even stopped writing. I gave up. It was too much....

I'm such a fucking failure.


So where does that leave us? Struggling, tired, headachey and flashbacky. Can't say a word though, keep my mouth shut because I can only just deal with it as it is, and if anyone worries about me I'll feel worse for making them worry about me on top of their own problems. And I'll have to talk about it and think about it all... So if I keep my mouth shut I can just about cope, right?

Well that's the idea anyway...


Thinking of hunting down Kylie's address so I can send her a letter; I miss her and she's never online. It's a shame really. Maybe good old fashioned snail mail will get the job done. We'll see.

Laters taters.x