Better.

Feeling better, I think. Mum's being her usual awkard self, and I think I have a temperature - I don't feel very well.
Generally feeling a little blah. Sigh. Oh well...


...

Feeling a little better.

Feeling a little better. I'm not crying anymore, and I forced myself to get up and doing things. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's not really working... Struggling today, I really am. I just... yeah. Not doing brilliantly.

Fake smile, you're such a good friend, you're always there when I need you. No point making everybody else feel shit too, right? If I just smile and get on with it, then everybody can get on with their lifes, and not have to worry about mine. Making people worry and stress about me just makes me feel worse... I'll just smile and help everybody else in hopes it will shut my own brain up for a second or two.

Things are... fuzzy inside. I can't focus as easily on some alters. I don't know why; it's worrying. It feels almost like they're intergrating but I don't think they are. It's almost like they're doing the opposite of appearing... =\ sigh.
I need a job. I need money. Without money I can't do anything.

And where the hell are my tweezers?!
 ¬.¬

Rough night

Had a seriously rough night last night. Well, today marks 21/11 number four. Last night I was struggling with the whole anniversary thing and stuff and I was rambling all depressed-like and Jennie said she can't cope with me anymore and we need to have a chat sometime about it. And that she loves me no matter what, and all that. Sounds scary and ominous and I ended up crying myself to sleep, and had a really disturbed night. Dreamt of back at crestwood, and dreamt Jennie decided she wanted somebody else and went off with them. Either way, I slept really badly last night. I don't feel I'm allowed to talk to Jennie about my problems anymore if she's struggling. I want to be there for her but she won't talk to me about things; she says I have too much on my plate. If I can deal with Miste, Chelsey n leila all at the same time, I can deal with her stuff. I want to help. I want to be there for her. Was she talking about leaving me?
  I feel so useless. I'm only up and online now because Jen asked if I could be online in the morning, so here I am. I don't want to get out of bed today.
I love her. I hope everything works out okay. It's a rough day for her Mum today too (two year anniversary of her partner passing away) and she's living there at the minute so I'm expecting her not to be talking much.

And I don't know where my phone is. Jennie's still not online. I'm worried about her though, she said she was nearing her limit and she was really struggling. What if she's done something stupid? I mean I mentioned not wanting to live anymore, but that's because it's easier to see the reasons not to live than to see the reasons to live. But I'm getting better, I am. The thoughts cross my mind but I don't think I'll act on them. That's an improvement. Life is worth living. Things are made easier by Jennie. She makes me smile, makes me laugh. She makes me feel loved and like I'm actually worth something. She treats me with respect and consideration, she makes me feel. Beyond that I'm not even sure what I'm hanging on to. I need to get out of this house any way possible; I'm planning on moving in with Jen sometime when she has her own place, and then my transition will be able to start (because I really can't do it living here)...

Things are getting harder living here, by the day. Mum is generally a ball of hysteria and mania. Dad is generally useless and doesn't do the whole compassion thing; he just leaves people to it.

I miss Jen. She's coming back on Wednesday for my mums birthday - she promised Mum a cooked meal because mum never cooks. Ever. She'll order takeaway or put a ready meal in the oven for 40 minutes.

Is it wednesday yet?

Oh and I'm crying again. Sigh. I need to pull myself together and get out of bed, but I'm scared. I don't want to get up and face the world today. I just want to... skip to tomorrow and feel better. Or better yet, wednesday.


I'll shut up...

Feeling down, y'know?

Feel pretty shitty. But I need this time. I've been feeling fairly shitty the last few days, feel I have to cover it up though. Nobody cares about how crappy I feel, and even if I say so, what can they do? Sigh.

I'm alone, at Jen's mums house. Jen's out doing a Murder Mystery, and her mum's gone out with her "not boyfriend" for a drink. It's okay, I gave her mum leave to do so. I'm quite liking having this space to myself, I've not had much time to me. Unfortunately now that I'm alone, I'm letting myself feel. I'm sat here listening to depressing songs and on the verge of crying. They'll be back soon though...



I really want to cut...

Relief exists, I find it when I am cut...



I have to resist. Jennie will make my life hell if I do...

Sigh.


x

What social life?

Yeah, see the thing is, it's kinda disappeared.
I used to go up to Birmingham about once a week to chat to various people, only I want to avoid most of them. There are say... one or two people who I regret losing contact with, but the rest can go fuck themselves. The majority of the people I know I wouldn't trust as far as I can throw...

I regret losing contact with Bandi/Vicky, but then we always lose touch and get chat again then lose touch and chat again, been like that for years but she's an amazing friend. One of the truly nice people I know.
I vaguely miss losing touch with Ruth too..
I miss Wolfie/Amy. Alice does too apparently. They chatted some earlier. Wolfie's also always been kind and supportive and understanding of me, also one of the really nice people. We've been through some together...
I miss chatting to Chris, I've known him for going on 8 years now. Hell, he was my friend through the abuse. I never told him, I was too scared, but he was always pretty cool, though was, and still is immature and annoying as hell, but we had fun together.

Yup. That's about it. I'm just so scared of... well. People. But more than that, I don't even know how I'd get back in touch with anyone. I do, but i'm scared. What do I say? Sorry I've been blanking you for the past year, lets go have a coffee or something? ... Yeah something along those lines I think actually. I think I'll talk to Amy first, she's the easier to talk to. I'm so scared though... but it's something I have to do, and something I'm determined to do alone. No alters, no Jen. I have to face this or I'll end up hermit... with Jen. If I could just... make myself do it... I will though, when I have time.

I'd like to see Miste again sometime too, I feel so wretched for barely talking to her for months. We were ever so close, and now... meh. She's never hurt me, never done or said a bad thing against me, she's always been good to me and I've just... not spoken to her for ages...

Anyway! Apparently I have to go talk to Amy now. Scared. I'm sure it'll be fine... bleh.

...

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of life, of eveyrthing, as i said before...

More than that, I'm scared I won't get better. *sighs* what am I going to do?
I've been depresed and suffering for years now, they keep saying it gets better with time. That therapy will make things better... my situation is improving. My life is getting better. It's all good. I should be fine. I should be. Why aren't I? I don't really feel much better than I did before, I just deal better. I have more supports, better coping mechanisms, but why should I need to? Why can't I just be fine? I'm so pathetic. The urge to hurt myself is still there, every day, multiple times a day. The suicidal thoughts are still there, kept in check. I'm fighting with my ED, it's not getting any easier in the slightest. Any of it. Why can't they be gone? These thoughts and feelings? Why can't I be happy? I feel a little happier when i'm with Tink. I find it hard to be genuinely enthusiastic about anything. i'm struggling so much at the moment.
I feel numb, dead. Pointless. I don't know what to do with myself.
London tomorrow. So scared.
To the point where the thought of injuring myself so bad I don't have to go just crossed my mind. I won't, I know I won't. This appointment is far far too important for me to do that. But maybe if I did, people would take me seriously and see just how bad I feel...
Not that I will. I don't want the attention, i already have it which I don't want. I don't want all these officials thinking i'm perfectly fine and though i say how bad i am, i'm just getting by. It's why they won't do well... anything with me. I want to hurt myself and just be left alone. I want to do it where nobody will see it so I don't have to face the wrath of everybody who'd find out. I want to. It makes me feel better...


No, I'm being stupid. I'm fine, remember? I'm meant to be okay. I can only really admit to Tink that i'm not okay, but even then I struggle saying just how not okay I am. She's all I have right now, and I love her dearly. I can't hurt myself because it would hurt her. I know she's here for me, but I still feel awful and there's nothing anyone can do...
I feel I'm being selfish feeling like this, there are people who have it worse than me, who feel worse than me.


i'm probably just tired or something, I would say I'l feel better in the morning but i'm up at 6.10 to go to London. Joy. I'll feel better... sometime. Probably when I'm with Tink tomorrow. She shuts my head up. Not my alters, but the bad thoughts. Even if I feel bad, it's all clear and easier to manage when I'm around her.
Speaking of alters... I reckon Alice has the opposite of depression. You know depressed people don't produce enough seratonin in their brain so they're depressed? I reckon she produces too much and is always happy... Lucky. Oh, and Angel has been struggling lately with flashbacks, which is in turn affecting me. I don't know what to do about it... endure I suppose.
I'll shut up, I'm being pathetic.


 

London & Life

I'm going back to the gender clinic on tuesday, in london. The fisrt time, dad came with me. Second time, jen came with me. This time, I want Tink with me in the actual appointment, but she can't afford to catch the train from here... because she has her important doctors appointment afterwards. I feel guilty for dragging her with me, I should just say don't come with me, i'll be fine. it'll save money and trouble and everything. But i'm scared. Terrified of going completely alone. London scared me when I was with her, but alone?


I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station  to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.

I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.



What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.

And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...


I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.

Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?