I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of life, of eveyrthing, as i said before...
More than that, I'm scared I won't get better. *sighs* what am I going to do?
I've been depresed and suffering for years now, they keep saying it gets better with time. That therapy will make things better... my situation is improving. My life is getting better. It's all good. I should be fine. I should be. Why aren't I? I don't really feel much better than I did before, I just deal better. I have more supports, better coping mechanisms, but why should I need to? Why can't I just be fine? I'm so pathetic. The urge to hurt myself is still there, every day, multiple times a day. The suicidal thoughts are still there, kept in check. I'm fighting with my ED, it's not getting any easier in the slightest. Any of it. Why can't they be gone? These thoughts and feelings? Why can't I be happy? I feel a little happier when i'm with Tink. I find it hard to be genuinely enthusiastic about anything. i'm struggling so much at the moment.
I feel numb, dead. Pointless. I don't know what to do with myself.
London tomorrow. So scared.
To the point where the thought of injuring myself so bad I don't have to go just crossed my mind. I won't, I know I won't. This appointment is far far too important for me to do that. But maybe if I did, people would take me seriously and see just how bad I feel...
Not that I will. I don't want the attention, i already have it which I don't want. I don't want all these officials thinking i'm perfectly fine and though i say how bad i am, i'm just getting by. It's why they won't do well... anything with me. I want to hurt myself and just be left alone. I want to do it where nobody will see it so I don't have to face the wrath of everybody who'd find out. I want to. It makes me feel better...
No, I'm being stupid. I'm fine, remember? I'm meant to be okay. I can only really admit to Tink that i'm not okay, but even then I struggle saying just how not okay I am. She's all I have right now, and I love her dearly. I can't hurt myself because it would hurt her. I know she's here for me, but I still feel awful and there's nothing anyone can do...
I feel I'm being selfish feeling like this, there are people who have it worse than me, who feel worse than me.
i'm probably just tired or something, I would say I'l feel better in the morning but i'm up at 6.10 to go to London. Joy. I'll feel better... sometime. Probably when I'm with Tink tomorrow. She shuts my head up. Not my alters, but the bad thoughts. Even if I feel bad, it's all clear and easier to manage when I'm around her.
Speaking of alters... I reckon Alice has the opposite of depression. You know depressed people don't produce enough seratonin in their brain so they're depressed? I reckon she produces too much and is always happy... Lucky. Oh, and Angel has been struggling lately with flashbacks, which is in turn affecting me. I don't know what to do about it... endure I suppose.
I'll shut up, I'm being pathetic.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Thursday, 15 September 2011
London & Life
I'm going back to the gender clinic on tuesday, in london. The fisrt time, dad came with me. Second time, jen came with me. This time, I want Tink with me in the actual appointment, but she can't afford to catch the train from here... because she has her important doctors appointment afterwards. I feel guilty for dragging her with me, I should just say don't come with me, i'll be fine. it'll save money and trouble and everything. But i'm scared. Terrified of going completely alone. London scared me when I was with her, but alone?
I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.
I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.
What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.
And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...
I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.
Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?
I have to catch the train alone (which I hate), wait for 40 minutes for her while she catches the underground to me because she comes in on a different line and I'm really too scared to do the tube alone, but I'm making her do it when she doesn't want to either? I'm so horrible. I'm paying for her extra underground journeys though... And then we make our way to my appointment, spend half an hour together, then back to marylebone with me, then she's off to her station to get home... and I'm waiting 50 minutes for my train.
I should just say don't come. I have to face the train and waiting in the station alone for a while, and it's not like we'll be able to spend much time together... I feel stupid and pathetic wasting her time and money because I can't face the london underground. I should just deal with it. i do everything else. It's so selfish of me.
What I want to do is say nope. I'm not dealing with it, and not going. But that's not an option for me. I need to get this assessment period dealt with and everything. Then I can be transferred to somewhere easy to get to, like nottingham. everything's riding on my birthday. I get referred to other places in the mental health service, i can get benefits so i'll be able to move out easier, and so on and so forth.
And we're starting up our own business together, in fancy dress. And we're talking like joint bank account. It's such a huge thing...
I'm so scared. Of everything. of life. Of my transition. Of this new business. Of the london thing. Of moving out. Of the future. But I'm doing it all. I want to do it all, but it's so terrifying. I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be held and told everything is okay. I want to not feel so selfish and pitiful and worthless.
Everythingi s going right for once. Everything is going in the right direction. Moving forwards with my life in very positive and very big scary ways...
but what if it goes wrong?
Friday, 8 July 2011
Big update
Quite alot has happened since my last post. I haven't posted in a while so ho hum! where to start?
Things are going well with Tink, but it's getting harder with the distance. On the ... technically positive side, she has a job. Yes money, yes good, yes a step in the right direction, but that means I see her less and I'm stuck at home more. I feel scared to go out because I mean, apart from anything, Tink gets real jealous over me talking to pretty much anyone, which makes me feel guilty which makes it hard for me to talk to anyone. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but hey. I know it's her way of showing she cares and she knows I'd never go off with anyone else, and I shouldn't let her come between me and people I've known for ages but oh well... I do love her more and more every day and I can't see any reason we'd break up, not that I ever want to. I'll shut up with my sappiness!
Went to the gender clinic in london. It was a mission and a half to get there, and ended up late. 14 hour round trip. Not entirely sure whta to say, other than it's lovely to have someone take me seriously and I'm finally getting somewhere.
I also realised I have 11 followers on this blog, a bit of a shock actually. I'll shut up because I'm feeling vulnerable today and this isn't helping...
Things are going well with Tink, but it's getting harder with the distance. On the ... technically positive side, she has a job. Yes money, yes good, yes a step in the right direction, but that means I see her less and I'm stuck at home more. I feel scared to go out because I mean, apart from anything, Tink gets real jealous over me talking to pretty much anyone, which makes me feel guilty which makes it hard for me to talk to anyone. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but hey. I know it's her way of showing she cares and she knows I'd never go off with anyone else, and I shouldn't let her come between me and people I've known for ages but oh well... I do love her more and more every day and I can't see any reason we'd break up, not that I ever want to. I'll shut up with my sappiness!
Went to the gender clinic in london. It was a mission and a half to get there, and ended up late. 14 hour round trip. Not entirely sure whta to say, other than it's lovely to have someone take me seriously and I'm finally getting somewhere.
I also realised I have 11 followers on this blog, a bit of a shock actually. I'll shut up because I'm feeling vulnerable today and this isn't helping...
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Sappy post
You ask why I always listen to this song. You ask why it's looped. You ask why I smile when I listen to it.
You think i'm obsessed with it, you can't understand why...
Because whenever I listen to it, I think of Tink. I get a memory in my head, so clear, so perfect.
After I first went over to her mum's house, after we spent the day together, a day so perfect...
She drove me home. She put on Tori Amos - Lovesong. And she asked me to listen to the lyrics.
She placed a hand on my leg, and smiled at me. She drive down the motorway, holding my hand with her free hand, singing her heart out for me. The line "you make me feel like I am young again", and I remember the smile she gave me, love and humour in her eyes.
The long "I will always love you", I remember her voice, so full of love, so full of pain. Her singing over the music.
The song fits so perfectly for how I feel. We have so many little injokes now. We're getting used to our relationship, we're working our way through any troubles that we face. But if I'm suicidal, if I'm hurting, I can put on this song and let me forget my troubles for 3 and a half minutes. I can remember a time when I felt true, perfect, complete happiness and contentness. I'm honestly in love with her, and I can't imagine life without her by my side. I know that how much I'm struggling is hurting her and worrying her, but I know I'll pull through because I have something to fight for, and she is so worth it.
When I'm with her, the depression is kind of pushed back until she's gone, it's automatic, so the bad thoughts at mostly at bay. When I'm away from her, I have some true alone alone time to work through my thoughts... The more I think, and the more time I spend with Tink, the more I can see the future. I can plan. The self destructive thoughts are still there but they're not so clear, I'm starting to think past them now. I don't think I'm a threat to myself anymore.
I have so much to live for, so much to love for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JIEY34hv8
Hey, yes…
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel a-like I’m home again, oh, yes
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make, you make me feel like I’m whole again, oh, yes
Hey…
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-huh-es
You make me feel like I’m young again, hey ya-yes
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-hum
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
Oh, I will always love you
Ah, whenever I'm alone with you, hey
I feel like I’m a-a-a-I’m free again, hey
Whenever I'm alone with you, um
Feel like I’m a-aclean again, oh
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, oh, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
I will always, always love you, yes
Always…
You think i'm obsessed with it, you can't understand why...
Because whenever I listen to it, I think of Tink. I get a memory in my head, so clear, so perfect.
After I first went over to her mum's house, after we spent the day together, a day so perfect...
She drove me home. She put on Tori Amos - Lovesong. And she asked me to listen to the lyrics.
She placed a hand on my leg, and smiled at me. She drive down the motorway, holding my hand with her free hand, singing her heart out for me. The line "you make me feel like I am young again", and I remember the smile she gave me, love and humour in her eyes.
The long "I will always love you", I remember her voice, so full of love, so full of pain. Her singing over the music.
The song fits so perfectly for how I feel. We have so many little injokes now. We're getting used to our relationship, we're working our way through any troubles that we face. But if I'm suicidal, if I'm hurting, I can put on this song and let me forget my troubles for 3 and a half minutes. I can remember a time when I felt true, perfect, complete happiness and contentness. I'm honestly in love with her, and I can't imagine life without her by my side. I know that how much I'm struggling is hurting her and worrying her, but I know I'll pull through because I have something to fight for, and she is so worth it.
When I'm with her, the depression is kind of pushed back until she's gone, it's automatic, so the bad thoughts at mostly at bay. When I'm away from her, I have some true alone alone time to work through my thoughts... The more I think, and the more time I spend with Tink, the more I can see the future. I can plan. The self destructive thoughts are still there but they're not so clear, I'm starting to think past them now. I don't think I'm a threat to myself anymore.
I have so much to live for, so much to love for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JIEY34hv8
Hey, yes…
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel a-like I’m home again, oh, yes
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make, you make me feel like I’m whole again, oh, yes
Hey…
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-huh-es
You make me feel like I’m young again, hey ya-yes
Whenever I'm alone with you, uh-hum
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
Oh, I will always love you
Ah, whenever I'm alone with you, hey
I feel like I’m a-a-a-I’m free again, hey
Whenever I'm alone with you, um
Feel like I’m a-aclean again, oh
However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, oh, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, you know I’ll always love you
I will always, always love you, yes
Always…
Monday, 16 May 2011
Hopeless
Everything feels so hopeless, I'm desperately trying to fight the ever-increasing need to hurt myself... I don't think I can win this time. Sorry if I do slip up. Don't hate me
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Sigh
Finding it harder every day. I keep visualising cutting again. Holding the blade... making the cut. Watching the blood. Planning where. I wish it would all stop.
I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.
Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.
I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.
Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.
I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.
Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.
Might update some other time.
I'm finding it hard with home life. College... I'm slowly losing the will to live. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. Anything at all.
Tink is the only thing bringing me happiness in this life. That sound so melodramatic but I really can't find much else to live for. I'm only alive this long because of her.
I promised to myself I would be honest here, and that is what I plan to do, regardless of who reads this or who it upsets. I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and die. I'm craving touch and cuddles but I'm feeling scared to do that. I'm so on edge right now, jumpy and agitated.
Thankfully, Jen is here. I don't want upset her, or make her feel obligated to stay here and look after me. She shouldn't have to feel so responsible for me by letting her I know how I'm feeling. It's a big burden to carry, as is my past. I should be the only person to carry it but she keeps insisting that she wants to share it. I'm scared it'll be too much for her, I'll be too much for her and then she'll leave me. The world is against us... I don't see how, or why she loves me, and I'm having trouble believing it, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm so so scared to admit to myself I'm loved. I'm so scared of getting hurt, or that i'll hurt her.
I can't deal with being around mother right now. Going to go hide upstairs.
Miste: Talk to me soon, I worry about you.
Might update some other time.
Friday, 6 May 2011
...
I'm posting from college today, I'm stressed and hurt.
Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.
It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.
I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.
Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...
I'm being bugged to work.
Might update later... probably not though.
Lets get this out the way. Yesterday I saw a book that said men only get specific types of eating disorders, such as eating one type of food. I mentioned this being bullshit because I'm recovering bulimic to Mary's girlfriend. She told Mary, mary says I'm bullshitting because I'm not rake-thin and she's seen me eat, everyone else agrees. I tried to explain that my bulimia isn't too bad but no, they're having none of it. I'm lying about that, lying about my mum being against me transitioning, and I only have scars on my arm because I cut for attention. I'd told Mary about the abuse before because i thought i could trust her, but no, apparently not. This is coming from the same person who told me i should get a tattoo'd dotted line on my wrist with "cut here" by it. Generally mocking my pain. This has left me severely triggered and feeling very unsafe, put me off any ideas of eating for the day, and reminded me I have a surgical blade in my bag... and an hour-long break next. Fun times. Shaking and close to switching. I hate having DID sometimes.
It's been only a few days since I've last seen Tink but knowing that I won't see her for another week is killing me. I know it's not long but it hurts more every day. I feel it's tearing me apart. Every second I want her in my arms feels like another needle stabbing my heart. However, I'm seeing her next friday which is a happy thing, and the only thing keeping me going right now. She'll see me after I finish college then stay til sunday night or something. Probably going to her murder mystery thing though, squee! Wanna see her perform.
I'm actually vaguely dreading Ruth's party tomorrow. I won't enjoy it probably, just get annoyed and antisocial with all the people. I wonder if I can get away with curling up in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a book or something... I doubt it. Ruth'd notice then have a go at me for getting depressed at her party. Fake smiles all night I guess. 18 hours of socialness though, it's alot to ask. I'm so not capable of being around people right now.
Can't get tink out of my mind... but I guess I'll survive a week longer. Wish she lived closer... or I had money. Or she had money, or I could see her more often...
I'm being bugged to work.
Might update later... probably not though.
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