Finally!

Dear Blog,

Hurray! Finally headed off to Jen's. Just gotta shove my laptop in my rucksack, grab a few drawing things and then go! Won't take clothes with me, I don't think. 'cept socks. It's not like I wear any male clothes there anyway.
But hey! I'm out of this house. Okay so I might have to head back saturday morning, which would majorly suck, but it lets me be with Jen. Lets me be me. Lets me dress how I please. Lets me get treated with some degree of respect.

Hmm. Should I have boobage to travel? I think so. Unless mum decides to get up annoyingly at the time as I'm leaving or something. Anyway. I can get changed there and put on a more fitting top.




Kaitie xx

Yup.

Dear Blog,

I want to die.
Oh wow, do I know my family or what? Kicked out of bed at 8. Check. Mum lied about not getting any sleep last night. Check. Been told how useless I am. Check. Taken the kids to school. Check. Given a list of things to do and told I have to do the while mum goes back to bed. Check.

And it's only ten past nine already! I'm sure that's what I predicted in my post last night. It's getting too hard here.

Okay so the list of things to do is... well there's nothing wrong with that. However, that's my morning so far. I did wake up a couple of times in the night but with my eyes as sensitive as they are... I couldn't bare opening my bright laptop in the middle of the night.
Now I was awake for quite a bit of the night, and kept waking up. Every time I did, I heard mum snoring next door. So any sleep she didn't get, must have been about half an hour sometime. Of course she spun some story about getting up in the night and doing some listing on ebay and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. She didn't. She's saying she's feeling ill but to be honest I don't know if I should believe her or not. She says she's feeling ill so often, and then admits a few days later that she just couldn't be bothered to do anything. Not that it matters if she's lying or not - still have to run around for her.
Plagued with dreams I barely remember, but I remember being scared when I woke up. I also remember I must have been twitching in my sleep 'cos I headbutted the wall and hurt my neck. Life is so hard. Maybe I should end it or not transition... Or both.

I'm so tired. I want to go back to sleep for an hour... but I want to have a shower and there's the delivery to be packed up which hasn't arrived yet... Eh. Fuck it. I'll get myself an hour's nap and then get on with it...
Feeling no matter in mood than I was yesterday. You may have noticed. All I get is told how crap I am at things, and how useless I am. And lazy. And whenever I explain, look. I'm feeling really down, I haven't slept properly in about 4 days. Sorry I'm a little out of it but I'm doing my best. I just get it in the ear. "Myeh myeh myeh I'm depressed too I might as well kill myself. I didn't get any sleep either you know" Not... "Oh. Okay. I understand you're trying your best." which is all I want. Some acknowledgement that... I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm just... struggling.

Right. Now. Half hour nap. Shower. Death please? Maybe I won't wake up from my nap. That would be good.
Applying for jobs lots. Need money. Need to be gone from here. Please?

Kaitie xx

Heh.

Dear Blog,

So... Slipping. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants? Or if I'm generally spiraling? I wish I could blame all these feelings on the anti-depressants. They seem to have tipped the balance. On the plus side, I've decided I'll start every post with "Dear Blog" and sign it. Dunno why. Seems like a good idea. Couldn't say why though.

I feel myself spiraling into a pit of depression. I think I'm dissociating more because I'm losing time more. Thought I was better. I don't know. Got that... sorta unreality feeling, y'know? Like everything is disconnected and unreal? It's not very nice but very... floaty. Good way of dealing with the world. Doubt I'd be able to if it didn't seem all bubblified. Yet I'm still dysphoric. You gotta be kidding me right? Nope.
I miss Jen. Things are clearer with Jen. I see her tomorrow. I love her so much. I wish we could see each other more and for longer...
Tomorrow's another day, I think. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it though. What'll wake me up tomorrow... Either dylan knocking on my door saying "Mum says you have to take us to school" or Mum shouting through my door "You're taking them. Get up." at 8.
Seriously losing it. How much longer here before I crack? I'm not far off. I'm not sleeping properly (Though not through lack of trying, mind), and I'm generally struggling. I'm near breaking point, and I get closer every day. Only trouble is I know suicide aint an option. I couldn't do that to anyone. When I say I need to get out of here for my sanity? I mean it.
Spiral spiral spiral. Can't I spiral upwards?
But oddly enough flashbacks have been less. Weird. I wonder if it would be possible to convince myself nothing ever happened? I doubt it. I mean. People brainwash themselves into all sorts of other things. Surely I could do the same?
I want to forget. Flashbacks are less, but nightmares are worse than ever and nearly constantly triggered. Memories are all around. Can I forget? Please?

I promised Jen I'd sleep in about half an hour. It's been about half an hour. Shutting down. Here goes nothin'. I'll probably post in the morning or the middle of the night. Sigh.

Kaitie xx

PS. For the record. It is now 2.14am. In case I wake up later and decide to post, so I can keep track.

Early morning ranting.

It's 6.38am. I've just woken up from an awful nightmare - won't go into the details here.
I want to stop having bad dreams. I woke up scared, dysphoric, and hurting. Sigh... We just want to be normal. Had a little one out in the night, found writing and drawings and a crayon in my hand. Musta switched before bed. That's like, the most inconvenient time ever 'cos it often means that while I think I've gotten 8 hours sleep, my body's only really had 3. Hope I got some decent sleep. Which again begs the question, should I go back to sleep now? I'm scared and don't want to. I wouldn't normally have to be up for another two-three hours and I have this second-stage interview thing at 12. 8 hour shift from the looks of things. Don't wanna go dressed as male. Don't wanna deal with the dysphoria. I know I have to. It doesn't make it any easier. I know it's just one of those things that I have to deal with, but what if I can't? Thoughts of hurting myself are more and more present in my mind. Can I just be female and be done with it? That'd be good... I wanna be me. Stop forcing me to be someone I'm not.

My brain is loud. I have heartburn. For some crazy reason some of my alters are early risers. Alice is bouncing off the walls, as usual. She's recently decided she wants to throw a huge party in celebration of the fact that she's had nothing to celebrate for a month. So she's dancing around singing to Katy Perry at 6 o'clock in the morning. Half the littles are awake. Red's just woken up from a flashback/nightmare... I'm co-con w/ kitty, angel and melody.
And yes, that's a normal for me. Just 'cos I've shut up about it and don't often actually switch, usually co-concious... Sigh. I don't mention it for Jen's sake. It's hard enough on her as it is. Why make her deal with this when she doesn't have to? It's unnecessary stress and stuff. I've been dealing with DID a long time.



Y'know what? I'm actually really tired still. I fell asleep at about 9 or 10 as far as I know. Or... that's as long as I remember. Maybe dissociated. Hope not. I've been missing out on a lot of sleep lately and I want some bloody rest...

Here's to another couple of hours sleep... or hour, presuming mum decides to wake me up to take the kids to school, to which my response will probably be something along the lines of "You take them." regardless of the consequences. I'm not doing it today. Not in the mood for her bullshit. I'm feeling too awful as it is. I really hope I can do cheery and perky for work. I haven't had to do that front properly in a good while. I'm out of practice! Well it's a sales role as far as I can tell - I can always have Alice charm people... Okay no. That would lose me job. I'll figure something out. Happy face. Fake smiles... sleep...

Engage. *pointy hand thing that Picard does when he says engage*

Ugh

I have a job interview tomorrow. Pretty significant right? Looks like I'm just selling stuff to people on the street, like a flyer person or something, but we'll find out tomorrow. Downside - I didn't have a suit, so my nan took me to get one. Boy clothes shopping. The most boring thing in the world. Not to mention the dysphoria of using the wrong fitting rooms, having to shop in the men's section. I have a small waist, small hips, relatively small shoulders. Male clothes don't fit me. They're too big, proportioned wrong. Female clothes fit me snuggly. Size 10 womens? Can't buy an equivilent in men's easily apparently. Oh and as my nan was buying, she absolutely ignored me when I suggested we have a look at the women's section for something that would fit. I saw so many nice girl clothes, and got lectured for looking at them by my granddad. So many lovely outfits that I would have so bought if I had some spare money, and I was on my own. But no. I got home and cried. Suit shopping for a bloke - bleh! I mean, dysphoria was that bad. I just wanted to curl up and cry while I was out, but had to keep it together for two hours.
Still a bit teary. At least this marks the possibility of making more money than I am on jobseekers. More money, sooner I can move out. Sooner I'm living full time, sooner I'm progressing with things. I can't take the job if it's purely commissions, but the email I got from them said there's a flat rate...

Anyway. 'scuse me while I curl up.

Dysphoria

Sigh. Dysphoria sucks. I feel awful. I just... ugh. I don't know. Gender dysphoria in general is terrible. I hate it. I wish I could ask people to use the pronouns and name I want, but I'm too nervous to, because I know nobody's really okay with it...
Mum's also doing her "I'm going to kill myself" lark again. Whatever. I'll just leave her to it, she's not going to do anything. She never does. I mean, she says nothing is ever going to change, but that's because she's scared of change and is too damn lazy to make any serious changes to her life. But I can't say that, because I get it in the ear. She just likes to rant and say how crap her life is.

Whatever. Not coping remotely well today. Tomorrow is going to be... tough. Going swimming n stuff with nan, kira, dyl, Jen, mariella... And I can't do the whole... body thing. The wrong changing rooms. Seeing myself. It's a very real and very tough reminder. I hate it. I mean, jaccuzi and sauna and heated private swimming pool - brilliant. But ... sigh. I love swimming, but I get so self-concious and dysphoric I never do much. What's worse? I won't be able to face it until I'm like... on HRT. And have boobs. Which is going on a year and half away before I ever start hormones. And then another year for there to be any significant changes. Cos then I'll fit into a swimming costume n be able to use appropriate changing rooms n stuff, even if I'll have to be careful... Maybe after SRS surgery I'll be able to become an active swimmer. I just... it's hard and harder every day. I wish I had money. I wish I could have electrolysis and laser hair removal on my face, and be on hormone blockers. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm sick of it, and I know that I have absolute support from nobody in my immediate circle. Parents? No support. Grandparents? No support. Jen? Acceptance, and some support, but I know that in her heart of hearts she's not coping well with it. She doesn't see how she could live a happy normal life married to a woman. She's not coping with the whole... childless thing. And how there's a very real possibility we may never have kids. And we're stressing over money and living situations and so on. I can't put stress on her over this, it's not fair. She's doing her best.

I'm just struggling. I'm sick of dealing with this, I'm sick of getting nowhere. I'm sick of being put off and delayed and told to wait by the medical people "Oh we need to do this first" and whatever. They're stalling so I don't top myself. I don't present typically, apparently. That is, I'm not living full time yet. Despite the fact that if I did my dad would hurt me. And I'd get kicked out. And driven to suicide.
I need to get out. I need to live as me. I need to do something. I'm feeling so cooped up and stuck where I am. I can't take this anymore.


Anyway. Whatever. Going in the shower. Might update later. Greg n claire are coming over for the night, and they're having my bed. Well. Jen's bed. That's me sleeping on the sofa tonight. Or an airbed. No fun at all...

Laters taters.x

I don't wanna get up...

Lying here in bed, really not wanting to get up. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to face my family *shudders*. I hate that I'm male. I want to self harm. And yet, it all feels somehow detatched but no less bad. Effects from the anti-depressants? Doubt it, my dosage is so low I'm not expecting to feel anything from it. I don't like it. If I'm feeling, i should feel properly!

I don't want to get up. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed (Which is actually Jen's...) and deal with my mentally ill mother and look after my brother and sister who are both fluey. I'm still energyless from being ill myself, but not that it matters. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed and put on my male clothes and go about my day being called and all that. It's not who I am. It hasn't been for a long time. Now that I've just written the name and I try to link it to me? It feels all strange. I'm Kaitlyn more than I'm . I'm Kaitie more than anything now. Except in appearances and the world. I mean, nobody knows right? I want to go full time. I want to start my voice training and buying my new wardrobe and shoes and laser hair removal and hormone blockers. I want it all to be underway, and it's killing me that it's not. I'm stuck here, doing absolutely fuck all towards it. And I'm suffering, and nobody can understand that I just want to stop hurting and get something done about it. I... I need money for a house. I need my JSA to come in to pay rent to Mum. I'm saving every spare penny I have towards a place. I'm out by July at the latest. July. July. Latest. That's so far away. I think I might actually go around the bend if I'm not sorted by then...

Feeling an overwhelming amount of despair and dysphoria today. I don't want to get up, but I suppose I have to. I'm only going to get shit and shouted at and insulted and put down by my Mum anyway. Hard to find the willpower to face all that.

Don't make me do it, please?

Help?

Guess nobody can help. I just need to do this. And you know what the real shit is? I'm feeling self-destructive but if I act upon it, they're going to only blame it as a side effect of the new anti-depressants and completely ignore the reasons why I actually would do that. Idiots. It would make me feel better... But I don't think I can cope with the lectures from Jen. Listening to the psychiatric people go on and talking about taking me off this drugs. In fact. The only reason I agreed to go on these anti-depressants is to make the gender clinic lady (Dr Holt) see that I'm not wanting to transition because I'm depressed.  Okay so yes I'm still depressed, but I'm taking the drugs and guess what? I feel worse if anything! I need to be doing something. This is just a hoop to jump through so they'll let me go on the hormone blockers.

I was planning on ending my post ages ago, but it looks like I'm just trying to drag it out as long as possible so that I don't have to get up... Okay. Here I go. Wish me luck. Watch me and encourage me to slap a bear around the face. Or at least that's wht it feels like. "But you have to get up. You have to face it." Easy for you to say, you're not the only having to do it!

Okay. Here I go... right.... now. Here I go. Now... now