Dysphoria

Sigh. Dysphoria sucks. I feel awful. I just... ugh. I don't know. Gender dysphoria in general is terrible. I hate it. I wish I could ask people to use the pronouns and name I want, but I'm too nervous to, because I know nobody's really okay with it...
Mum's also doing her "I'm going to kill myself" lark again. Whatever. I'll just leave her to it, she's not going to do anything. She never does. I mean, she says nothing is ever going to change, but that's because she's scared of change and is too damn lazy to make any serious changes to her life. But I can't say that, because I get it in the ear. She just likes to rant and say how crap her life is.

Whatever. Not coping remotely well today. Tomorrow is going to be... tough. Going swimming n stuff with nan, kira, dyl, Jen, mariella... And I can't do the whole... body thing. The wrong changing rooms. Seeing myself. It's a very real and very tough reminder. I hate it. I mean, jaccuzi and sauna and heated private swimming pool - brilliant. But ... sigh. I love swimming, but I get so self-concious and dysphoric I never do much. What's worse? I won't be able to face it until I'm like... on HRT. And have boobs. Which is going on a year and half away before I ever start hormones. And then another year for there to be any significant changes. Cos then I'll fit into a swimming costume n be able to use appropriate changing rooms n stuff, even if I'll have to be careful... Maybe after SRS surgery I'll be able to become an active swimmer. I just... it's hard and harder every day. I wish I had money. I wish I could have electrolysis and laser hair removal on my face, and be on hormone blockers. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm sick of it, and I know that I have absolute support from nobody in my immediate circle. Parents? No support. Grandparents? No support. Jen? Acceptance, and some support, but I know that in her heart of hearts she's not coping well with it. She doesn't see how she could live a happy normal life married to a woman. She's not coping with the whole... childless thing. And how there's a very real possibility we may never have kids. And we're stressing over money and living situations and so on. I can't put stress on her over this, it's not fair. She's doing her best.

I'm just struggling. I'm sick of dealing with this, I'm sick of getting nowhere. I'm sick of being put off and delayed and told to wait by the medical people "Oh we need to do this first" and whatever. They're stalling so I don't top myself. I don't present typically, apparently. That is, I'm not living full time yet. Despite the fact that if I did my dad would hurt me. And I'd get kicked out. And driven to suicide.
I need to get out. I need to live as me. I need to do something. I'm feeling so cooped up and stuck where I am. I can't take this anymore.


Anyway. Whatever. Going in the shower. Might update later. Greg n claire are coming over for the night, and they're having my bed. Well. Jen's bed. That's me sleeping on the sofa tonight. Or an airbed. No fun at all...

Laters taters.x