Heh.

Dear Blog,

So... Slipping. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants? Or if I'm generally spiraling? I wish I could blame all these feelings on the anti-depressants. They seem to have tipped the balance. On the plus side, I've decided I'll start every post with "Dear Blog" and sign it. Dunno why. Seems like a good idea. Couldn't say why though.

I feel myself spiraling into a pit of depression. I think I'm dissociating more because I'm losing time more. Thought I was better. I don't know. Got that... sorta unreality feeling, y'know? Like everything is disconnected and unreal? It's not very nice but very... floaty. Good way of dealing with the world. Doubt I'd be able to if it didn't seem all bubblified. Yet I'm still dysphoric. You gotta be kidding me right? Nope.
I miss Jen. Things are clearer with Jen. I see her tomorrow. I love her so much. I wish we could see each other more and for longer...
Tomorrow's another day, I think. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it though. What'll wake me up tomorrow... Either dylan knocking on my door saying "Mum says you have to take us to school" or Mum shouting through my door "You're taking them. Get up." at 8.
Seriously losing it. How much longer here before I crack? I'm not far off. I'm not sleeping properly (Though not through lack of trying, mind), and I'm generally struggling. I'm near breaking point, and I get closer every day. Only trouble is I know suicide aint an option. I couldn't do that to anyone. When I say I need to get out of here for my sanity? I mean it.
Spiral spiral spiral. Can't I spiral upwards?
But oddly enough flashbacks have been less. Weird. I wonder if it would be possible to convince myself nothing ever happened? I doubt it. I mean. People brainwash themselves into all sorts of other things. Surely I could do the same?
I want to forget. Flashbacks are less, but nightmares are worse than ever and nearly constantly triggered. Memories are all around. Can I forget? Please?

I promised Jen I'd sleep in about half an hour. It's been about half an hour. Shutting down. Here goes nothin'. I'll probably post in the morning or the middle of the night. Sigh.

Kaitie xx

PS. For the record. It is now 2.14am. In case I wake up later and decide to post, so I can keep track.