Yup.

Dear Blog,

I want to die.
Oh wow, do I know my family or what? Kicked out of bed at 8. Check. Mum lied about not getting any sleep last night. Check. Been told how useless I am. Check. Taken the kids to school. Check. Given a list of things to do and told I have to do the while mum goes back to bed. Check.

And it's only ten past nine already! I'm sure that's what I predicted in my post last night. It's getting too hard here.

Okay so the list of things to do is... well there's nothing wrong with that. However, that's my morning so far. I did wake up a couple of times in the night but with my eyes as sensitive as they are... I couldn't bare opening my bright laptop in the middle of the night.
Now I was awake for quite a bit of the night, and kept waking up. Every time I did, I heard mum snoring next door. So any sleep she didn't get, must have been about half an hour sometime. Of course she spun some story about getting up in the night and doing some listing on ebay and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. She didn't. She's saying she's feeling ill but to be honest I don't know if I should believe her or not. She says she's feeling ill so often, and then admits a few days later that she just couldn't be bothered to do anything. Not that it matters if she's lying or not - still have to run around for her.
Plagued with dreams I barely remember, but I remember being scared when I woke up. I also remember I must have been twitching in my sleep 'cos I headbutted the wall and hurt my neck. Life is so hard. Maybe I should end it or not transition... Or both.

I'm so tired. I want to go back to sleep for an hour... but I want to have a shower and there's the delivery to be packed up which hasn't arrived yet... Eh. Fuck it. I'll get myself an hour's nap and then get on with it...
Feeling no matter in mood than I was yesterday. You may have noticed. All I get is told how crap I am at things, and how useless I am. And lazy. And whenever I explain, look. I'm feeling really down, I haven't slept properly in about 4 days. Sorry I'm a little out of it but I'm doing my best. I just get it in the ear. "Myeh myeh myeh I'm depressed too I might as well kill myself. I didn't get any sleep either you know" Not... "Oh. Okay. I understand you're trying your best." which is all I want. Some acknowledgement that... I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm just... struggling.

Right. Now. Half hour nap. Shower. Death please? Maybe I won't wake up from my nap. That would be good.
Applying for jobs lots. Need money. Need to be gone from here. Please?

Kaitie xx