I don't wanna get up...

Lying here in bed, really not wanting to get up. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to face my family *shudders*. I hate that I'm male. I want to self harm. And yet, it all feels somehow detatched but no less bad. Effects from the anti-depressants? Doubt it, my dosage is so low I'm not expecting to feel anything from it. I don't like it. If I'm feeling, i should feel properly!

I don't want to get up. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed (Which is actually Jen's...) and deal with my mentally ill mother and look after my brother and sister who are both fluey. I'm still energyless from being ill myself, but not that it matters. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed and put on my male clothes and go about my day being called and all that. It's not who I am. It hasn't been for a long time. Now that I've just written the name and I try to link it to me? It feels all strange. I'm Kaitlyn more than I'm . I'm Kaitie more than anything now. Except in appearances and the world. I mean, nobody knows right? I want to go full time. I want to start my voice training and buying my new wardrobe and shoes and laser hair removal and hormone blockers. I want it all to be underway, and it's killing me that it's not. I'm stuck here, doing absolutely fuck all towards it. And I'm suffering, and nobody can understand that I just want to stop hurting and get something done about it. I... I need money for a house. I need my JSA to come in to pay rent to Mum. I'm saving every spare penny I have towards a place. I'm out by July at the latest. July. July. Latest. That's so far away. I think I might actually go around the bend if I'm not sorted by then...

Feeling an overwhelming amount of despair and dysphoria today. I don't want to get up, but I suppose I have to. I'm only going to get shit and shouted at and insulted and put down by my Mum anyway. Hard to find the willpower to face all that.

Don't make me do it, please?

Help?

Guess nobody can help. I just need to do this. And you know what the real shit is? I'm feeling self-destructive but if I act upon it, they're going to only blame it as a side effect of the new anti-depressants and completely ignore the reasons why I actually would do that. Idiots. It would make me feel better... But I don't think I can cope with the lectures from Jen. Listening to the psychiatric people go on and talking about taking me off this drugs. In fact. The only reason I agreed to go on these anti-depressants is to make the gender clinic lady (Dr Holt) see that I'm not wanting to transition because I'm depressed.  Okay so yes I'm still depressed, but I'm taking the drugs and guess what? I feel worse if anything! I need to be doing something. This is just a hoop to jump through so they'll let me go on the hormone blockers.

I was planning on ending my post ages ago, but it looks like I'm just trying to drag it out as long as possible so that I don't have to get up... Okay. Here I go. Wish me luck. Watch me and encourage me to slap a bear around the face. Or at least that's wht it feels like. "But you have to get up. You have to face it." Easy for you to say, you're not the only having to do it!

Okay. Here I go... right.... now. Here I go. Now... now