Early morning ranting.

It's 6.38am. I've just woken up from an awful nightmare - won't go into the details here.
I want to stop having bad dreams. I woke up scared, dysphoric, and hurting. Sigh... We just want to be normal. Had a little one out in the night, found writing and drawings and a crayon in my hand. Musta switched before bed. That's like, the most inconvenient time ever 'cos it often means that while I think I've gotten 8 hours sleep, my body's only really had 3. Hope I got some decent sleep. Which again begs the question, should I go back to sleep now? I'm scared and don't want to. I wouldn't normally have to be up for another two-three hours and I have this second-stage interview thing at 12. 8 hour shift from the looks of things. Don't wanna go dressed as male. Don't wanna deal with the dysphoria. I know I have to. It doesn't make it any easier. I know it's just one of those things that I have to deal with, but what if I can't? Thoughts of hurting myself are more and more present in my mind. Can I just be female and be done with it? That'd be good... I wanna be me. Stop forcing me to be someone I'm not.

My brain is loud. I have heartburn. For some crazy reason some of my alters are early risers. Alice is bouncing off the walls, as usual. She's recently decided she wants to throw a huge party in celebration of the fact that she's had nothing to celebrate for a month. So she's dancing around singing to Katy Perry at 6 o'clock in the morning. Half the littles are awake. Red's just woken up from a flashback/nightmare... I'm co-con w/ kitty, angel and melody.
And yes, that's a normal for me. Just 'cos I've shut up about it and don't often actually switch, usually co-concious... Sigh. I don't mention it for Jen's sake. It's hard enough on her as it is. Why make her deal with this when she doesn't have to? It's unnecessary stress and stuff. I've been dealing with DID a long time.



Y'know what? I'm actually really tired still. I fell asleep at about 9 or 10 as far as I know. Or... that's as long as I remember. Maybe dissociated. Hope not. I've been missing out on a lot of sleep lately and I want some bloody rest...

Here's to another couple of hours sleep... or hour, presuming mum decides to wake me up to take the kids to school, to which my response will probably be something along the lines of "You take them." regardless of the consequences. I'm not doing it today. Not in the mood for her bullshit. I'm feeling too awful as it is. I really hope I can do cheery and perky for work. I haven't had to do that front properly in a good while. I'm out of practice! Well it's a sales role as far as I can tell - I can always have Alice charm people... Okay no. That would lose me job. I'll figure something out. Happy face. Fake smiles... sleep...

Engage. *pointy hand thing that Picard does when he says engage*