I don't wanna get up...

Lying here in bed, really not wanting to get up. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to face my family *shudders*. I hate that I'm male. I want to self harm. And yet, it all feels somehow detatched but no less bad. Effects from the anti-depressants? Doubt it, my dosage is so low I'm not expecting to feel anything from it. I don't like it. If I'm feeling, i should feel properly!

I don't want to get up. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed (Which is actually Jen's...) and deal with my mentally ill mother and look after my brother and sister who are both fluey. I'm still energyless from being ill myself, but not that it matters. I don't want to roll out of this big empty double bed and put on my male clothes and go about my day being called and all that. It's not who I am. It hasn't been for a long time. Now that I've just written the name and I try to link it to me? It feels all strange. I'm Kaitlyn more than I'm . I'm Kaitie more than anything now. Except in appearances and the world. I mean, nobody knows right? I want to go full time. I want to start my voice training and buying my new wardrobe and shoes and laser hair removal and hormone blockers. I want it all to be underway, and it's killing me that it's not. I'm stuck here, doing absolutely fuck all towards it. And I'm suffering, and nobody can understand that I just want to stop hurting and get something done about it. I... I need money for a house. I need my JSA to come in to pay rent to Mum. I'm saving every spare penny I have towards a place. I'm out by July at the latest. July. July. Latest. That's so far away. I think I might actually go around the bend if I'm not sorted by then...

Feeling an overwhelming amount of despair and dysphoria today. I don't want to get up, but I suppose I have to. I'm only going to get shit and shouted at and insulted and put down by my Mum anyway. Hard to find the willpower to face all that.

Don't make me do it, please?

Help?

Guess nobody can help. I just need to do this. And you know what the real shit is? I'm feeling self-destructive but if I act upon it, they're going to only blame it as a side effect of the new anti-depressants and completely ignore the reasons why I actually would do that. Idiots. It would make me feel better... But I don't think I can cope with the lectures from Jen. Listening to the psychiatric people go on and talking about taking me off this drugs. In fact. The only reason I agreed to go on these anti-depressants is to make the gender clinic lady (Dr Holt) see that I'm not wanting to transition because I'm depressed.  Okay so yes I'm still depressed, but I'm taking the drugs and guess what? I feel worse if anything! I need to be doing something. This is just a hoop to jump through so they'll let me go on the hormone blockers.

I was planning on ending my post ages ago, but it looks like I'm just trying to drag it out as long as possible so that I don't have to get up... Okay. Here I go. Wish me luck. Watch me and encourage me to slap a bear around the face. Or at least that's wht it feels like. "But you have to get up. You have to face it." Easy for you to say, you're not the only having to do it!

Okay. Here I go... right.... now. Here I go. Now... now

Christmas!

Christmas!


It's over now. I can sleep. *sleep*

Sigh

Scared to sleep... How pathetic is that?

I have to be up early tomorrow, I think, so I can head over to see my Tink. So... I should sleep, but I'm scared to. I'm not tired. Well, I am, but I'm scared to sleep because every time I start to drift off, I feel myself slip into a scary dream...

Sigh...

,,,

Feeling generally really unsettled, dysphoric, and on the verge of being triggered (but not quite triggered?) and generally panicked and anxiety-ridden, though I have no clue why it's so bad. Haven't heard from Jen for most of the day - I worry sometimes.
Shaking, feel sick, generally feeling shitty...
Dan & Emma came over today, they just left... Wish I could be me. I want to be me... I need to. I need to get out of here. Help? Please? Anybody? Get me out of here. Even if it's just so I can be myself... I don't care how hard money is, I don't care if I don't eat, I don't care if I can't have any pets. I just... need to be out of here. I can't do this. Sigh...
Worried about Jen, though I know it's silly and she's probably asleep or left her phone somewhere, and that's all it is... Probably. I've sent her a few messages and don't want to phone her and it's approaching midnight and if she is asleep, I don't want to disturb her...

I hate my body, so so much. I feel... trapped. It's getting worse, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's getting harder and harder. Today, during one of mum's crazy moments (which have been pretty bad today) she grabbed my hand/wrist, stared at my hand for a minute and started to cry. I asked her why, and she said I would never have children, and she wants grandkids.... That's been preying on my mind lately though, I don't know if she knows it or not... Not that I want kids, but Jen's invested in the idea. I'm worried that because my dysphoria is so bad it's going to push me into this so fast I won't have children... Ever. That's a tough choice, but if I put off my transition and then subsequently kill myself, that won't solve any problems either. Sperm freezing costs about £3000/yr and then the IVF costs roughtly £75,000. That's not an option. Adoption has never really appealed - If I am to have kids, I want my own children, not somebody elses. I know any child of mine would be smart, beautiful, kind... I know it's early days, but I have to think about these things now because it won't be possible a few years down the line. I need a break. I need not to think. I need not to... live. I just want an escape, I just want to not have GID, PTSD, DID or any of my other mental ailments for just one day. Just a day, but that's not going to happen. I want a job, I want to be financially stable, I want my own home... None of this is going to happen... well it might. I can hope. Things look hopeless...

Why me? Why should I have to deal with all of this? Why not just one or the problems? Or half? A handful maybe? Why do I have to be the mentally unstable transgendered child abuse victim with people living in my head, a very mentally ill mother, a family where I am not respected and am emotionally abused every day, no qualifications because of my depression and self harm and DID... I mean, y'know. If I were just transgendered with my current situation of no job and no money, but still had a loving adoring girlfriend, that's great. I'd happily welcome that situation, but not everything else... Life has just been one great big load of shit to me. 'cept Jennie. She's made it easier, made it worth living through...


Just... Blah. I'll shut up now, nobody wants to hear me whine...
I wonder how many people actually read my blog? Miste does, I think. I think Chelskii does... That's about all... hmm... Wonder who else? Paranoid...



Shh.

Harder and harder.

It really is getting harder and harder to life at home, day by day. More and more puts me on edge, I actually can't stand my mother's company... Or my dad's for that matter. I never could, but... I just need to get out of here.
"You're coming to Merry Hill with me tomorrow during the day." ... Fine. But as long as I still have time to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to ask them what I can do in my position. I can't stay at home - it's driving me to insanity. It's driving me back to unhelpful thoughts, dangerous thoughts. I don't feel welcome, respected or loved. I don't feel I belong here, and I'm treated like shit. Constantly.
I know in my heart of hearts (Elundari?) I'm loved by my family, even if they have a weird way of showing it...
Somebody, get me out of here. Somebody, help, before I actually go round the bend and hurt myself...

On the plus side, I received two letters + a package today. Handwritten letter from Miste, which was short and uneventful, but still nice to get :), and the other was from Kylie, which was lovely to get. She also sent me two stuffed toys; a kangeroo and koala holding boomerangs. They're so cuddly! But not quite as cuddly as Chesh, which Jen made. Kitty loves them though. Will be posting it out tomorrow with the eBay stuff...

You know, my dysphoria isn't taken seriously by just about anyone. Nobody really understands just how much it gets to me. It's so bad today ... It really is.

Mum calls. -_-'


FML

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It feels like my head is full of shouting voices. The only problem is, it's not my DID, it's not my alters and doesn't feel anything similar. Now the weird thing is that it's not actual voices I don't think? It's just the feeling of there being loud voices. It's almost painful, it's giving me a headache and I can't make out what they're saying. I can't focus, I can't think. It's like every time I have a thought it bounces around in my head and it gets argued with itself. I keep picking out vague angry bits, but it's more of a feeling than actual voices? I want it to stop, this used to happen when I was little, maybe once every few years, only now I know it's happened at least 3 times in the last year. Should probably talk to my therapist about it, but I never felt it was important. I have googled and come across not much. I keep trying to do deep breathing to clear my mind, tried to meditate but I can't think.
Tried listening to music but it's not helping much. The more I try to focus on things, the louder it gets.

Maybe i'm stressed, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm overtired, but this has been coming on all day. I got up at 8 to take the kids to school, and it was coming on then, but I went back to bed until 12 because I was up until 4.30 because I felt Tink's pain in her upper back. It sucks having a link, and being able to transfer energy. This feeling was penetrating into my sleep, into my dreams and the background thoughts and feeling was still there...

Sigh. It'll go away soon, I'll be fine. Just really don't like it when this happens. Wish I knew what it was.
And yes, I am absolutely sane... apart from the obvious stuff, of course.

Computers

I hate computers. I'm good at them, they're useful, don't get me wrong. I do occasionally enjoy the creativity but I do NOT want to do it for a living. It's good, in moderation. I can't do it every day. It's soul-destroying, but well paid...

However, I'm looking into going down the physics/mathematics route and stuff, so I'm looking into teaching myself maths again... I've forgotten how to do damn near everything. I am so out of practice it's unreal, so I've been on the GCSE bitesize website to get my mind back up to GCSE level and then I can move ahead to things like A level, and I'd like to learn calculus at some point too, which would be cool...
I like maths. It's fun, it's interesting, and I like how it makes me think. I like physics, it's mostly just interesting. Chemistry is a bit... meh. Not so interested. Biology kind of bores me... But it's all useful.

I turn 18 on thursday. Did you forget? Send me a birthday text on thursday! I'm having a mad hatter's tea party on saturday with Jen, her mum, my brother n sister. Possibly dan and emma too, but yeah...


Did I post about that? I forgot. On saturday me and Jen were invited out for a drink with Dan (uncle) and Emma. They found out about my transition through my nan and mostly through figuring it out for themselves, so yeah... we talk. They're 100% supportive, they realise it's my choice and I've figured out the risks. They said if there's any way they can help, then just ask. They were generally wonderful about it. Huge weight off my shoulders...


Gotta bounce. Laters.x