Mutual agreement. Me and Jen split up. It hurts. So badly. I have nothing to say. Nothing of value. I just... I want to stop feeling. I want the pain to stop. I want to just go back to how things were.
No more words.
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Post!
I'm a little scared to post to be honest. Things have been looking up, things are going well. For once. If I post I end up typing my feelings I didn't know I had and come out with things I didn't realise were bothering me. I'm worried if I type this post about what's going on then I'll get all depressed about it... Oh well! Let's have a go anyway.
The positives:
So let's start with the job. I've been offered a week's worth of work, and it's fantastic for me. Gives me something to do with myself. It's nice, mindless work and they're really laid back there, casual dress code, free coffee, and I'm allowed my headphones in so I just listen to audiobooks while mindlessly metatagging hundreds of news articles. Not only that, but this week's work is going to pay £400, in theory. £10/hr is good money. The impression I got is that I may very well end up working longer because they're really busy and would be happy to keep me on longer. I like getting up early, I like being busy all day, I like the walking between bus stop and work (about 20 min). I know it's only a week but it's something! Done wonders for my mood - I have hope. I'm exhausted because I'm not used to doing things, but it's good.
Now then! House! I'm moving in with a couple of people in Stafford. The rent is £41/wk, with £300 deposit. DSS allowed, pets allowed, can decorate own room. And the housemates are awesome. There's Fran, who's a very... effeminate straight guy, but he's an anime fan, cross-dresser, lolita fashion designer and dressmaker. Then there's Ceri, who's a lovely gamer lesbian undergrad who keeps rats. And I met the regular guests, Ceri's girlfriend and her gay friend luke, both of whom are lovely people. And they're like. We don't care if you're trans. We look forward to you living here, Kait.
Now! Let's see. I've been told there shouldn't really be a problem with me going to Stafford college (got told by the college), and to apply online as soon as I'm moved, which should be start of March? I mean, I get paid my £400 somewhere between the 24th and the 2nd. At which point I'll send £382 to Shan (the landlord) which is my deposit + two weeks rent. He knows my situation and the moment I've signed an agreement to say I'm living there officially, I apply for housing benefit. If I get the extra week's work, I should have enough money to last me rent-wise and food/bills-wise until my housing benefit comes in, and hopefully have some left over to put towards my transition fund. Roisin gave me a load of her old clothes, which is good because I need to buy myself a wardrobe as I'll be living full-time in Stafford as female. *excited* ... Ah and I have to buy train tickets for the 28th/29th... I'll figure something out. So financially things don't look too bad... relatively. House is good. Full time is good. Education is good. Work is good.
And now. I'm exhausted. I'll write... the bad bits tomorrow. For now - Sleep. Lots of it. Goodnight world!
Kaitie xx
The positives:
So let's start with the job. I've been offered a week's worth of work, and it's fantastic for me. Gives me something to do with myself. It's nice, mindless work and they're really laid back there, casual dress code, free coffee, and I'm allowed my headphones in so I just listen to audiobooks while mindlessly metatagging hundreds of news articles. Not only that, but this week's work is going to pay £400, in theory. £10/hr is good money. The impression I got is that I may very well end up working longer because they're really busy and would be happy to keep me on longer. I like getting up early, I like being busy all day, I like the walking between bus stop and work (about 20 min). I know it's only a week but it's something! Done wonders for my mood - I have hope. I'm exhausted because I'm not used to doing things, but it's good.
Now then! House! I'm moving in with a couple of people in Stafford. The rent is £41/wk, with £300 deposit. DSS allowed, pets allowed, can decorate own room. And the housemates are awesome. There's Fran, who's a very... effeminate straight guy, but he's an anime fan, cross-dresser, lolita fashion designer and dressmaker. Then there's Ceri, who's a lovely gamer lesbian undergrad who keeps rats. And I met the regular guests, Ceri's girlfriend and her gay friend luke, both of whom are lovely people. And they're like. We don't care if you're trans. We look forward to you living here, Kait.
Now! Let's see. I've been told there shouldn't really be a problem with me going to Stafford college (got told by the college), and to apply online as soon as I'm moved, which should be start of March? I mean, I get paid my £400 somewhere between the 24th and the 2nd. At which point I'll send £382 to Shan (the landlord) which is my deposit + two weeks rent. He knows my situation and the moment I've signed an agreement to say I'm living there officially, I apply for housing benefit. If I get the extra week's work, I should have enough money to last me rent-wise and food/bills-wise until my housing benefit comes in, and hopefully have some left over to put towards my transition fund. Roisin gave me a load of her old clothes, which is good because I need to buy myself a wardrobe as I'll be living full-time in Stafford as female. *excited* ... Ah and I have to buy train tickets for the 28th/29th... I'll figure something out. So financially things don't look too bad... relatively. House is good. Full time is good. Education is good. Work is good.
And now. I'm exhausted. I'll write... the bad bits tomorrow. For now - Sleep. Lots of it. Goodnight world!
Kaitie xx
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Drawing
I will get some drawing done tomorrow. I will. I didn't draw today, and I only got a couple of brief sketches done yesterday. I'll do Princess Luna tomorrow. Maybe start Ariel...
I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna face tomorrow. In fact, I don't wanna face the rest of this week. Or... any of it. It's all too much. I don't wanna face anything. I just want to curl up in bed and hide away from the world. I want to die
Mum reckons I need to either live in a ghetto, or london in order to be accepted for being trans. Err. Shut up mother, you're spouting crap. Again.
Dysphoria is roaring it's ugly head. I'm in one of my... little moods. Where everything bothers me. Everything gets to me and I'm snappy and just want to cry and break down. I generally find that this is mostly dysphoria manifesting itself in another way and it calms me if I do things towards my transition, and dress female and so on. Hate it. Maybe death would be good.
So tired. Of everything.
Oh wait, I just took my anti-depressant for the first time in two days. No wonder I sudden feel a billion times worse. Oh well, the morning will come... Like an inevitable storm.
So, the reasons my mum has listed, honest reasons as to why she doesn't want me to move out - She likes the things I do for her. And. She likes having me pay her rent. And. She reckons it'll look bad on her if I move out. Whatever. That's the closest I've got to honesty so far... Also I think she's stopped attending her mental health appointments. Sigh.
One more day. One more day here, then I'm off up to stafford to do this house viewing an seeing jen n all nice things.
Oh yeah. Went to go see the trio monday. Bussed it over to Roisin's, chatted for a bit, went to walk to Dan's house and then he drove past us on the way to the shop and we went with him, then he went home, Emma had to go do... something about rangers. And Roisin gave me some of her old clothes that she was going to give to charity - which is awesome, cos I need new clothes. Desperately. Left my bag in dan's car though, which has some drawing stuff in it, body spray, and possibly some important things but I forget what... Was nice to have a quiet evening, it's a difference from being at home.
Now. I must sleep. Even if I know I'll have nightmares. Even if I know I'll wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. Even if I know I'll likely wake up in a panic. Even if I know it'll make tomorrow come sooner.
Oh, for the record, nothing significant happens tomorrow. I mean. Dentist checkup but that's it. Other than that - i just don't wanna face my mum and stuff.
Night!
Kaitie x
I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna face tomorrow. In fact, I don't wanna face the rest of this week. Or... any of it. It's all too much. I don't wanna face anything. I just want to curl up in bed and hide away from the world. I want to die
Mum reckons I need to either live in a ghetto, or london in order to be accepted for being trans. Err. Shut up mother, you're spouting crap. Again.
Dysphoria is roaring it's ugly head. I'm in one of my... little moods. Where everything bothers me. Everything gets to me and I'm snappy and just want to cry and break down. I generally find that this is mostly dysphoria manifesting itself in another way and it calms me if I do things towards my transition, and dress female and so on. Hate it. Maybe death would be good.
So tired. Of everything.
Oh wait, I just took my anti-depressant for the first time in two days. No wonder I sudden feel a billion times worse. Oh well, the morning will come... Like an inevitable storm.
So, the reasons my mum has listed, honest reasons as to why she doesn't want me to move out - She likes the things I do for her. And. She likes having me pay her rent. And. She reckons it'll look bad on her if I move out. Whatever. That's the closest I've got to honesty so far... Also I think she's stopped attending her mental health appointments. Sigh.
One more day. One more day here, then I'm off up to stafford to do this house viewing an seeing jen n all nice things.
Oh yeah. Went to go see the trio monday. Bussed it over to Roisin's, chatted for a bit, went to walk to Dan's house and then he drove past us on the way to the shop and we went with him, then he went home, Emma had to go do... something about rangers. And Roisin gave me some of her old clothes that she was going to give to charity - which is awesome, cos I need new clothes. Desperately. Left my bag in dan's car though, which has some drawing stuff in it, body spray, and possibly some important things but I forget what... Was nice to have a quiet evening, it's a difference from being at home.
Now. I must sleep. Even if I know I'll have nightmares. Even if I know I'll wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. Even if I know I'll likely wake up in a panic. Even if I know it'll make tomorrow come sooner.
Oh, for the record, nothing significant happens tomorrow. I mean. Dentist checkup but that's it. Other than that - i just don't wanna face my mum and stuff.
Night!
Kaitie x
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Home... For now.
So! First off, a humongous congratulations to Jen for getting a main part in The Tempest. She's got the part of Stephano, which is great. And one of her performances will be alongside the Royal Shakespeare Company.
Second. I thought I'd have a browse to see if there was an affordable room in staffordshire, and yes there is! £41/wk. Which is awesome. DSS accepted, pets allowed, can decorate my own room, housemates seem pretty awesome. Close to town and train station. Got a viewing on thursday. Hope it goes okay!
I was really stupid and left my fluoxotine at Jen's. D'oh! That means I go without today. I'll pick up more tomorrow though.
Still feeling pretty down, but this is a glimmer of hope and it's made me feel a billion times better. Deposit is £250 which I don't have, but I'm sure I can gather it somehow. I'd owe people money, but it would mean I'm out of this house within a couple of weeks - win!
Started drawing again, which is good. I'm improving I think. I'll be halfway-decent one day! Practice practice practice.
So - Here's the plan for the next.. anytime. As far as I know.
Monday 6th- I have a full stock take to do - 200 items, takes about a minute and a half to two minutes per item... it's generally a good few hours work. It'll be good to be busy. Running around for mum, psych appointment, contacting stafford college, get some drawing in. Apply for some jobs. Fill in Jobcentre doodah. Go down to doctors and pick up more fluoxotine. Pack up and post items. Possibly contact the trio (Dan, Emma, Roisin)
Tuesday 7th- Running around for mum, organise my room, Jobcentre appointment, apply for some jobs. Pack up and post items. Fill in provisional driving license form and find photo. Get some drawing in. Panic of Jen's birthday present.
Wednesday 8th- Dentist. Drawing. Running around for Mum. Pack up ready for the morning. Early night! Draw.
Thusday 9th- Leaving for Jen's at 7.50 NO LATER to carefully dodge mum getting up. House viewing. Be incredibly charming and charismatic. Draw
Friday 10th- ??? Draw
Saturday/Sunday 11th/12th- Look after the cat, turtle and rabbits while Jen and Nina go away for the weekend (Namely so Jen's granddad can "tell her". Mostly how much of a mistake I am, but hey) - Draw!
Monday 13th- Home w/ Jen. Psych appointment. Go out for drinks or something with the trio. Have a sudden wave of inspiration over something amazing to do for Jen the following day. Draw.
Tuesday 14th- Valentines day, Have a sudden wave of inspiration over something amazing to do for Jen the following day. (THE REST OF THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN CENSORED BY *ALICE* DUE TO GRAPHIC CONTENT, AND BECAUSE SHE'S BORED. ~~~SQUIGGLE~~~)
Wednesday 15th- Jen's birthday - Act upon the sudden wave of inspiration from the day before.
Thursday 16th- Plans end..
Second. I thought I'd have a browse to see if there was an affordable room in staffordshire, and yes there is! £41/wk. Which is awesome. DSS accepted, pets allowed, can decorate my own room, housemates seem pretty awesome. Close to town and train station. Got a viewing on thursday. Hope it goes okay!
I was really stupid and left my fluoxotine at Jen's. D'oh! That means I go without today. I'll pick up more tomorrow though.
Still feeling pretty down, but this is a glimmer of hope and it's made me feel a billion times better. Deposit is £250 which I don't have, but I'm sure I can gather it somehow. I'd owe people money, but it would mean I'm out of this house within a couple of weeks - win!
Started drawing again, which is good. I'm improving I think. I'll be halfway-decent one day! Practice practice practice.
So - Here's the plan for the next.. anytime. As far as I know.
Monday 6th- I have a full stock take to do - 200 items, takes about a minute and a half to two minutes per item... it's generally a good few hours work. It'll be good to be busy. Running around for mum, psych appointment, contacting stafford college, get some drawing in. Apply for some jobs. Fill in Jobcentre doodah. Go down to doctors and pick up more fluoxotine. Pack up and post items. Possibly contact the trio (Dan, Emma, Roisin)
Tuesday 7th- Running around for mum, organise my room, Jobcentre appointment, apply for some jobs. Pack up and post items. Fill in provisional driving license form and find photo. Get some drawing in. Panic of Jen's birthday present.
Wednesday 8th- Dentist. Drawing. Running around for Mum. Pack up ready for the morning. Early night! Draw.
Thusday 9th- Leaving for Jen's at 7.50 NO LATER to carefully dodge mum getting up. House viewing. Be incredibly charming and charismatic. Draw
Friday 10th- ??? Draw
Saturday/Sunday 11th/12th- Look after the cat, turtle and rabbits while Jen and Nina go away for the weekend (Namely so Jen's granddad can "tell her". Mostly how much of a mistake I am, but hey) - Draw!
Monday 13th- Home w/ Jen. Psych appointment. Go out for drinks or something with the trio. Have a sudden wave of inspiration over something amazing to do for Jen the following day. Draw.
Tuesday 14th- Valentines day, Have a sudden wave of inspiration over something amazing to do for Jen the following day. (THE REST OF THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN CENSORED BY *ALICE* DUE TO GRAPHIC CONTENT, AND BECAUSE SHE'S BORED. ~~~SQUIGGLE~~~)
Wednesday 15th- Jen's birthday - Act upon the sudden wave of inspiration from the day before.
Thursday 16th- Plans end..
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Finally!
Dear Blog,
Hurray! Finally headed off to Jen's. Just gotta shove my laptop in my rucksack, grab a few drawing things and then go! Won't take clothes with me, I don't think. 'cept socks. It's not like I wear any male clothes there anyway.
But hey! I'm out of this house. Okay so I might have to head back saturday morning, which would majorly suck, but it lets me be with Jen. Lets me be me. Lets me dress how I please. Lets me get treated with some degree of respect.
Hmm. Should I have boobage to travel? I think so. Unless mum decides to get up annoyingly at the time as I'm leaving or something. Anyway. I can get changed there and put on a more fitting top.
Kaitie xx
Hurray! Finally headed off to Jen's. Just gotta shove my laptop in my rucksack, grab a few drawing things and then go! Won't take clothes with me, I don't think. 'cept socks. It's not like I wear any male clothes there anyway.
But hey! I'm out of this house. Okay so I might have to head back saturday morning, which would majorly suck, but it lets me be with Jen. Lets me be me. Lets me dress how I please. Lets me get treated with some degree of respect.
Hmm. Should I have boobage to travel? I think so. Unless mum decides to get up annoyingly at the time as I'm leaving or something. Anyway. I can get changed there and put on a more fitting top.
Kaitie xx
Yup.
Dear Blog,
I want to die.
Oh wow, do I know my family or what? Kicked out of bed at 8. Check. Mum lied about not getting any sleep last night. Check. Been told how useless I am. Check. Taken the kids to school. Check. Given a list of things to do and told I have to do the while mum goes back to bed. Check.
And it's only ten past nine already! I'm sure that's what I predicted in my post last night. It's getting too hard here.
Okay so the list of things to do is... well there's nothing wrong with that. However, that's my morning so far. I did wake up a couple of times in the night but with my eyes as sensitive as they are... I couldn't bare opening my bright laptop in the middle of the night.
Now I was awake for quite a bit of the night, and kept waking up. Every time I did, I heard mum snoring next door. So any sleep she didn't get, must have been about half an hour sometime. Of course she spun some story about getting up in the night and doing some listing on ebay and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. She didn't. She's saying she's feeling ill but to be honest I don't know if I should believe her or not. She says she's feeling ill so often, and then admits a few days later that she just couldn't be bothered to do anything. Not that it matters if she's lying or not - still have to run around for her.
Plagued with dreams I barely remember, but I remember being scared when I woke up. I also remember I must have been twitching in my sleep 'cos I headbutted the wall and hurt my neck. Life is so hard. Maybe I should end it or not transition... Or both.
I'm so tired. I want to go back to sleep for an hour... but I want to have a shower and there's the delivery to be packed up which hasn't arrived yet... Eh. Fuck it. I'll get myself an hour's nap and then get on with it...
Feeling no matter in mood than I was yesterday. You may have noticed. All I get is told how crap I am at things, and how useless I am. And lazy. And whenever I explain, look. I'm feeling really down, I haven't slept properly in about 4 days. Sorry I'm a little out of it but I'm doing my best. I just get it in the ear. "Myeh myeh myeh I'm depressed too I might as well kill myself. I didn't get any sleep either you know" Not... "Oh. Okay. I understand you're trying your best." which is all I want. Some acknowledgement that... I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm just... struggling.
Right. Now. Half hour nap. Shower. Death please? Maybe I won't wake up from my nap. That would be good.
Applying for jobs lots. Need money. Need to be gone from here. Please?
Kaitie xx
I want to die.
Oh wow, do I know my family or what? Kicked out of bed at 8. Check. Mum lied about not getting any sleep last night. Check. Been told how useless I am. Check. Taken the kids to school. Check. Given a list of things to do and told I have to do the while mum goes back to bed. Check.
And it's only ten past nine already! I'm sure that's what I predicted in my post last night. It's getting too hard here.
Okay so the list of things to do is... well there's nothing wrong with that. However, that's my morning so far. I did wake up a couple of times in the night but with my eyes as sensitive as they are... I couldn't bare opening my bright laptop in the middle of the night.
Now I was awake for quite a bit of the night, and kept waking up. Every time I did, I heard mum snoring next door. So any sleep she didn't get, must have been about half an hour sometime. Of course she spun some story about getting up in the night and doing some listing on ebay and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. She didn't. She's saying she's feeling ill but to be honest I don't know if I should believe her or not. She says she's feeling ill so often, and then admits a few days later that she just couldn't be bothered to do anything. Not that it matters if she's lying or not - still have to run around for her.
Plagued with dreams I barely remember, but I remember being scared when I woke up. I also remember I must have been twitching in my sleep 'cos I headbutted the wall and hurt my neck. Life is so hard. Maybe I should end it or not transition... Or both.
I'm so tired. I want to go back to sleep for an hour... but I want to have a shower and there's the delivery to be packed up which hasn't arrived yet... Eh. Fuck it. I'll get myself an hour's nap and then get on with it...
Feeling no matter in mood than I was yesterday. You may have noticed. All I get is told how crap I am at things, and how useless I am. And lazy. And whenever I explain, look. I'm feeling really down, I haven't slept properly in about 4 days. Sorry I'm a little out of it but I'm doing my best. I just get it in the ear. "Myeh myeh myeh I'm depressed too I might as well kill myself. I didn't get any sleep either you know" Not... "Oh. Okay. I understand you're trying your best." which is all I want. Some acknowledgement that... I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm just... struggling.
Right. Now. Half hour nap. Shower. Death please? Maybe I won't wake up from my nap. That would be good.
Applying for jobs lots. Need money. Need to be gone from here. Please?
Kaitie xx
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Heh.
Dear Blog,
So... Slipping. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants? Or if I'm generally spiraling? I wish I could blame all these feelings on the anti-depressants. They seem to have tipped the balance. On the plus side, I've decided I'll start every post with "Dear Blog" and sign it. Dunno why. Seems like a good idea. Couldn't say why though.
I feel myself spiraling into a pit of depression. I think I'm dissociating more because I'm losing time more. Thought I was better. I don't know. Got that... sorta unreality feeling, y'know? Like everything is disconnected and unreal? It's not very nice but very... floaty. Good way of dealing with the world. Doubt I'd be able to if it didn't seem all bubblified. Yet I'm still dysphoric. You gotta be kidding me right? Nope.
I miss Jen. Things are clearer with Jen. I see her tomorrow. I love her so much. I wish we could see each other more and for longer...
Tomorrow's another day, I think. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it though. What'll wake me up tomorrow... Either dylan knocking on my door saying "Mum says you have to take us to school" or Mum shouting through my door "You're taking them. Get up." at 8.
Seriously losing it. How much longer here before I crack? I'm not far off. I'm not sleeping properly (Though not through lack of trying, mind), and I'm generally struggling. I'm near breaking point, and I get closer every day. Only trouble is I know suicide aint an option. I couldn't do that to anyone. When I say I need to get out of here for my sanity? I mean it.
Spiral spiral spiral. Can't I spiral upwards?
But oddly enough flashbacks have been less. Weird. I wonder if it would be possible to convince myself nothing ever happened? I doubt it. I mean. People brainwash themselves into all sorts of other things. Surely I could do the same?
I want to forget. Flashbacks are less, but nightmares are worse than ever and nearly constantly triggered. Memories are all around. Can I forget? Please?
I promised Jen I'd sleep in about half an hour. It's been about half an hour. Shutting down. Here goes nothin'. I'll probably post in the morning or the middle of the night. Sigh.
Kaitie xx
PS. For the record. It is now 2.14am. In case I wake up later and decide to post, so I can keep track.
So... Slipping. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants? Or if I'm generally spiraling? I wish I could blame all these feelings on the anti-depressants. They seem to have tipped the balance. On the plus side, I've decided I'll start every post with "Dear Blog" and sign it. Dunno why. Seems like a good idea. Couldn't say why though.
I feel myself spiraling into a pit of depression. I think I'm dissociating more because I'm losing time more. Thought I was better. I don't know. Got that... sorta unreality feeling, y'know? Like everything is disconnected and unreal? It's not very nice but very... floaty. Good way of dealing with the world. Doubt I'd be able to if it didn't seem all bubblified. Yet I'm still dysphoric. You gotta be kidding me right? Nope.
I miss Jen. Things are clearer with Jen. I see her tomorrow. I love her so much. I wish we could see each other more and for longer...
Tomorrow's another day, I think. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it though. What'll wake me up tomorrow... Either dylan knocking on my door saying "Mum says you have to take us to school" or Mum shouting through my door "You're taking them. Get up." at 8.
Seriously losing it. How much longer here before I crack? I'm not far off. I'm not sleeping properly (Though not through lack of trying, mind), and I'm generally struggling. I'm near breaking point, and I get closer every day. Only trouble is I know suicide aint an option. I couldn't do that to anyone. When I say I need to get out of here for my sanity? I mean it.
Spiral spiral spiral. Can't I spiral upwards?
But oddly enough flashbacks have been less. Weird. I wonder if it would be possible to convince myself nothing ever happened? I doubt it. I mean. People brainwash themselves into all sorts of other things. Surely I could do the same?
I want to forget. Flashbacks are less, but nightmares are worse than ever and nearly constantly triggered. Memories are all around. Can I forget? Please?
I promised Jen I'd sleep in about half an hour. It's been about half an hour. Shutting down. Here goes nothin'. I'll probably post in the morning or the middle of the night. Sigh.
Kaitie xx
PS. For the record. It is now 2.14am. In case I wake up later and decide to post, so I can keep track.
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