Changes.

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...

Kidding. I'm not going to Bel Air you...

A lot has happened since my last post. I'm so tired. Well, in my last post I think I talked about how me and Jen had broken up... And then we got back together. On a trial basis. And it worked for a little bit, and then I moved house... and everything has been so much. I started ignoring her. Without realising. I mean, I was checking her messages and sending her messages when I checked my phone, at least 10 times a day, but we usually talked constantly. It was big decrease. This upset her. And other things... And I've totally shut myself off from everything, emotionally at least. I'm working on autopilot and I stupidly said we should break up... because I can't deal with being in a relationship. In hindsight now I'm thinking that was so stupid. So so stupid. We decided to not have any communication and argh! It's so much. I can't... I can't deal with being without her. How do I do it? I always just talked to her. Always. For the past year... She's my safe place. My love. Stupid stupid Kait. What did I mean I don't want to be with her? that was all a load of shit. I do. I want to be with her. I can deal with everything. In having to weigh it all up... The troubles of being iwth her... and the struggle of being without her. It's no contest. I want to be with her. It's worth it. How do I cope? I'm really not... I'm really really struggling not to just shut down and stop doing anything. It's such an effort to socialise. To eat. To get anything done. I just don't see the point. But I'm forcing myself, but I don't want to. I just want my Jennie...
"What are you doing today?" Kylie asked me. I don't know. I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up in a corner. I have nobody now. I'm living with two almost strangers, and I don't even have my Jennie...

I should shut up about it. It's not going to help anything. It's not going to bring her back. I just want a hug. I just want a cuddle. I just want everything to be better. I can't stop crying. I can't deal with being alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without her. She's my everything. I mean, in the long run... maybe it was for the best. But I don't care. Can't we just try. Please can we try. I don't know if I'll have the courage to say this to her. I mean. We're not talking...



Anyway. I've moved house. Now living in stafford. It's... going okay I guess. Hard to judge when I'm falling about over Jen.... I need to stop crying. I really do... It's been ... a day and a half. Jesus. Has it been that little time? It feels like an eternity. Not half an hour goes past I don't think about her. She's always on my mind. Always has been. Why did I never say it to her? Why did I never find the words to express how I feel?


Look, I'll shut up. Nobody wants to hear this. Sorry for wasting your time. Everybody's time. Everybody who reads this. I'm not worth it.